Mother Doesn't Always Know What's Best

It's no secret that my mom is crazy. I've seen her do things and just wonder why? What goes through your head when you yell at me about something you didn't do right? Why is it so hard to apologize when you know you're wrong? My mom is an emotional person, and she wears her emotions on her sleeve (did I say that right?). So I thought that when I MOVED OUT of her house, all the drama would end there. NO! It does not. But I do know this, I don't have to answer the phone when she calls or answer the door when she knocks, because I am no longer living under her roof. My mom could cut me off completely if she wanted to because she's crazy, and I wouldn't have a problem with it. Growing up in my home wasn't a piece of cake; my idea of walking on egg shells around an unstable person isn't my idea of fun. Some people might view it as disrespectful or defiant, but it's anything but. In some ways I raised myself, and my mom had a lot to do with that. I can blame my independence on her honestly. So it's no wonder why I won't let anyone bring me down, treat me any kind of way. And that's the way it is. So when she called earlier blowing on me it was the last straw in a sense. I'm 21, not 12. I guess people think that when you're a parental unit, using that tone is a way to intimidate a child. But guess what, I'm not a child. I can think for myself, fend for myself. And it's been that way since I was 16. My dad told me once, that when you start to think for yourself, you become the enemy. He said that about my mother. I don't like choosing sides, but he's right. Ever since I became of age, it's been on struggling battle after another: you don't do this right, you don't do that right, you're lazy, you don't take initiative, if you don't like it you can leave. So I did (and it only took Katrina). But even that isn't enough.

The New Year

A New Year's resolution is in order for everyone; I don't know anyone that hasn't made one. I made one last year, and didn't follow through with anything I set out for myself, except eliminate my credit card debt. Looking back on it now, it was somewhat pointless. Why wait for a new year to change something in your life that you feel needs to be changed? Why not do it when you realize there's something in your life you need to change? From now, if I see something wrong, or something I don't like, I'll change it then, not wait around for the new year to lose that 10 pounds, or start going to church more.

A Not So White Christmas

I've been in Colorado for almost a week and half, and it snowed once...ONCE PEOPLE! WTF? I was expecting a white Christmas...it feels like New Orleans outside without the humidity...which isn't that bad. But what's the point of living in the mountains without snow?

I keep seeing these little signs everywhere, advertisments; I don't pay much attention to the product, just the phrase: It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas. MY ASS. Tell that to the 1 million people who had to evacuate four months ago who are trying to get their lives back on track, tell that to the people who have to start all over from scratch, tell that to my mom who is crying everyday because she can't go back. I can't help but feel so lost sometimes, like I don't know where to go, what I should be doing. It just sucks. I thought I knew for sure coming to Colorado would be the right decision...now, I just don't know. It feels like we evacuated all over again, I just had an apartment waiting for me :). That's the only positive thing that's come out of all of this, I finally got my own place. But I'd give it back if I could go back home; I'd do anything to be rid of the overwhelming sadness that comes over me when I lay in bed awake at night, often bringing me on the verge of tears. Christmas this year sucks, but Happy Holidays to everyone anyway.

Why?

Why do we continue to let people hurt us, knowing what they're capable of? Why do we continue down the endless cycle of self-destruction when we know exactly what the outcome is? Why do we let people tear us down and belittle us when we know we're worth more? Why do we allow people to take advantage of our kindness, knowing that you can't change people, only people can change themselves? I've thought this over time and time again, I guess I have more sense than some people. I won't tolerate anyone treating me bad, I won't stand for people who are only about self. Life is an ever-changing experience, everything happens for a reason I believe. And with that change comes a new outlook, another aspect of life for us to experience as an individual. So why is that people seem to be stuck in one place, even when they have the opportunity to do something different, to change something about themselves or a situation? Why does Miki allow herself to get caught up in the same BS when she knows what is going to happen, or how about Mannie who seeks any kind of companionship and still gets burned everytime. How about Dee who knows that his relationship is on the verge of unavoidable destruction each and everytime his spoiled brat of a girlfriend gets angry? Why does the X who suffers from low self-esteem only get her hopes up everytime she sends him a text message only to be shot down miserably? Sometimes I think that in certain situations, people don't hurt people, people hurt themselves. We know how unreliable and selfish people can be, and yet we set ourselves up to be disappointed, thinking that maybe you can change him/her if you loved more, did more, gave more. Why?

My relationship isn't always bliss...

and just because I never post about all the arguments (and there are a lot) doesn't mean they don't exist. I won't lie, we fight like cats and dogs through out most of the day, slammed doors, all in your face, "It's over I hate you!" kinda fights. Our relationship isn't always perfect. I think we fight more now than before because we've been together for almost 4 months straight. After awhile we start to get on eachother's nerves. But I think it's healthy to have a few arguments, I mean, who wants to be with someone they never fight with, and when a fight actually starts there's that uncomfortable awkwardness of not knowing what to say or should apologize first. The first argument we got into was one I won't forget. He repeated something to someone that should have been left alone, and that someone just walked up to me and repeated what he said. I was furious with him, not because of what he said, but because it was like throwing salt into an open wound that was trying to close. It's kind of hard to move on from something when someone is constantly reminding you. We eventually got past it, but not before I gave him a few choice words. Then there was the fight earlier. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but my boyfriend can be a real $@#$@!$ sometimes. Yes, he can be a jerk, a moody jerk at that. He gets upset with me because I guess I'm not a mind reader, like I'm suppose to understand him all the time. He misplaced his birth certificate, and needs it to get a new license. He was suppose to go to the DMV earlier, asked me to Mapquest it out for him, write down the directions. When I gave it to him, he called them to find out what exactly he needed for a new license (as if he didn't know before). Turns out the "COPY" of his certificate is no good, DUH! When I kindly reminded him that he needed the original, he nearly blew on me. I'm like Whoa! Hold up...wait a minute, wtf you talking to like that. So then we started arguing over that, and it's kinda funny because arguments like those usually turn into something else like why the dogs can't sleep in the bed with us and who took out what dog earlier and I prefer that the dishes be washed off before their put in the dishwasher and so forth. It's just little things like that. So I informed him that he has to request a new birth certificate, and that it'll take like a month just for him to get it. He gets frustrated about that and decides to go by Kenny (my mom's boyfriend) because he needed to "get out". So here I am writing about our fights. I'm sure when he comes home he'll be a much better mood because he was able to smoke without hearing me bitch about it.

Incredibly bored...

Not much to do now, I don't have a job (yet), and I still haven't registered for school (yet). Turns out FEMA really is going to end up f'ing over people in a few months, so now I have to look for a job sooner than later. It's kinda funny though, when I seemed to need money when I didn't have any it's like a miracle came in a small form of insurance money I thought I would never receive (the accident happened last summer in 04'). My lawyer sent the money Saturday night so I guess I'll see it Monday morning. Hopefully, because I need to open up a new checking account because they don't have any Hibernia NATIONAL Banks in Colorado...in fact, they only have Hibernia banks in Louisiana and Texas...some one please explain to me how it's a national bank in only two states? Anyway...I'm out of my mother's house and she still drives me crazy. She showed up unannounced (note I have no problem with her coming over, but we were asleep, and it would have been nice if she had called so I could have been up and dressed) and then had the nerve to start complaining about anything and everything. He and I just bought a new computer, a better upgrade than what she has, and all of a sudden, her crappy computer starts malfunctioning i.e. disc drive won't read the disc, computer is slow as hell, that sort of thing. So she's more than welcome enough to use mine. But I think that SHE THINKS that I had something to do with her computer failing (let's not forget that the computer sat in our house in New Orleans for a month straight without any daily updates so when it finally did hook up to the i-net anything and everything that could attack our computer did because the Virus scan and Firewall were both out of date, therefore I had to buy another one so HER computer would be protected). It wasn't a very nice conversation to have especially since she hung up on me, so when she showed up there was still some tension in the air.

I LOVE my new apartment...I can't stress enough how happy I am! Ok well maybe I can. He and I are just finishing unpacking everything, we still need to get a few things for the house i.e. vacuum cleaner, patio chairs, but here are a few pics to show off :D

So where do I begin?

I'll call her Miki. I've known her for awhile, she seems really down to earth, but kinda desperate for the attention and the approval of a guy. I know I know, you live and learn. But doesn't it ever come to a point when you realize you're in an endless cycle of self destruction? I mean, there's only so much I can tell a person, the rest is left up to them. But shouldn't Miki see the pattern? Miki will date a guy, have sex with him, get attached, and when he leaves her she'll be heart broken. She obviously has very low self-esteem. I just wish she could sense her self-worth, love herself; she's a great girl who will make a guy really happy oneday. So what does a person like her do in such a tricky situation? I don't see her stopping anytime soon, which is dangerous because by the time she realizes what she's doing, she might've already gotten pregnant or caught something. I won't give up on her though, I just hope that eventually my words will eventually sink in.

Is it so wrong?

At first when it happened, that was all anyone could talk about. 3 months later, it still occupies the thoughts of people day in and day out. My mom happens to be one of those people. Any chance she gets, she talks about Katrina, shows off her pictures of the house after Katrina. Of course my sister's and I think to ourselves, why God is she doing this again? At Thanksgiving dinner she brought the pictures, I gave her an earful about it, no one wants to talk about it right now, no one wants to be reminded of why we're in Las Vegas in the first place when we should be at Aunt Joan's. We just want to put it behind us and move on, I no longer want to be seen as a victim, it happened, time to move on with our lives. My mom is stuck in one place...and she isn't budging. I don't know, maybe because we aren't from New Orleans we don't have that certain attachment, my sister's and I didn't plan on staying after college...

She's made up her mind, come January she and Amber and even Twinkie are moving back to New Orleans. I can understand that's her home, that's where she wants to be, and she'd be happier in New Orleans before she'd be happy in Colorado. But I don't understand why once again she would want to split the family up. There is nothing to be gained from going back to New Orleans right now, her family and friends aren't there, she won't be able to live in her house. Amber will have to go to Ben Franklin, something she's done her best to avoid. She'll also have to pay rent (double the usual price) and pay her mortgage on the house. The logical thing would be to go to Colorado until everything resolves with the insurance company and then to decide from there. But she's indecisive, and if she feels this is the right decision for her, then I support her. I just won't move back with her.

Main Entry: hap·pi·ness
Pronunciation: 'ha-pi-n&s
Function: noun
1 obsolete : good fortune : PROSPERITY
2 a : a state of well-being and contentment : JOY
b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience

Sometimes I think back to times when I was with other people who contributed to the person I am today, and while the list is extensive, I'm writing about people I've had relationships with. None of my past relationships fulfilled or satisfied me. But they did teach me more about myself, who I am and what I want. They made me realize what I was worth, that I truly deserve someone who is going to love me unconditionally, be my backbone if need be. I can honestly say that those relationships never made me happy, what I had was a temporary feeling which was usually taken over by doubt and uncertainty. I was never truly happy with any of my boyfriends until I met him. He too has been scarred by people he once cared about, and I think we found within eachother some kind of medium, we restored eachother's faith by trusting one another. And I can say we truly make eachother happy.

So what am I good for you ask?

So not to toot my own horn, or blow my own whistle...or however the saying goes, I am a damn good friend. I'm there for my friends whenever, wherever they need me. I think it's amazing how much advice I give out daily...I could start my own advice column...

other than that, I'm a damn good girlfriend too :D

20 More days until the big...more permanent move...

And I think I'm getting a bit more anxious by the moment. I think it's sad I'm actually counting down the days until I can finally start living. Being displaced is not my cup of tea. I'm getting bored, and restless. Being cooped up in this apartment playing the house wife role is driving me crazy, I actually can't wait to go back to school. He on the other hand is enjoying his "vacation" time, because after Christmas, he goes straight into work. I on the other hand have to go through the tedious process of looking for another job. I'm experienced in a lot of things, I just don't have the motivation to look for a job I'm going to be overqualified for.

Thanksgiving was nice, Las Vegas is beautiful lit up at night. You can see almost every building when we landed. I would have loved to stay longer and spend time with my family, maybe even gamble a little. It was heartbreaking to leave. I hated saying goodbye to my grandmother and my aunts and uncles. It just made the situation more real than before if that makes sense. It's not the same as my grandmother living around the corner from us, now it's more like 4 states away...I don't know how accurate that is, but really it feels like she's half way around the world from us. Atleast I got to see her though, even if I don't see her years from now, this time was good enough for the moment.

OMG!!!!!

Everyone has to go see Harry Potter and the GOF!!!!!! Totally rocked!!!!!

I haven't really posted lately...

nothing of interest is going on in my life.

My dad is harassing my mom because she won't close the child support case. I've heard 2 of the voice messages he's left her on her cell phone, and I was just in shock. He said some really mean, hateful things, and all because he won't pay what he owes. I almost called him myself to tell him to leave her alone, but that won't do any good. He's a monster. It just pisses me off that he has the audacity to call me and my sister's every now and then to see how we're doing. I don't really understand his motives, but I don't trust him. When I went and met him at the Starbucks down the street a few weeks ago I had him come with me. He even said just from sitting there for an hour and listening to he and his wife talk, he got a bad vibe from my dad.

My mom, Amber and I are going to Las Vegas for thanksgiving. We went and got manicures and pedicures for our upcoming trip today. I've never had my feet dipped in wax, it felt sooooooo good.

He and I are suppose to be moving into our apartment Dec.7th. I've already begun packing up (I've got 6 boxes so far and still have to pack a lot more stuff). I can't believe how much stuff we've accumulated just by going back and forth from Houston to New Orleans. I'm tired of being excited, I just can't wait much longer. I'm getting antsy.

I told him I love him today, and I meant it. We were just dropping Sydni off in Conroe, and he was driving, and I kinda just leaned over and whispered it in his ear. It was nice :)

I can't wait to move...I know I've said that about 5 times already, but I need to get away from my family. They're driving me crazy! I swear December can't come fast enough...

He found a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment in Colorado. I would leave with him, but, there are a few things planned for the next few weeks that are preventing me from going. Maybe after Thanksgiving once I'm finish with finals and went to Las Vegas I'll go up there. I get excited just thinking about being on my own. I called Michelle (bestfriend since 3rd grade who lives in Aurora) to let her know I'd be up there in December. Our move date was on the 16th of December, which happens to be her 21st birthday, she's way more excited than I am. I haven't seen her since I was in 7th grade. It'll be nice seeing her after all these years.

Op-Ed: Let ‘Em Have It by The Special Man

Much has been written about what to do with looters now that the City of New Orleans is returning back to normal. Some argue for stiff penalties, while others advocate leniency as long as the merchandise can be returned.

But to truly understand this question we must put ourselves in the mindset of the looter.

Imagine if you were caught in the middle of the flood. What would you have been thinking?

My home and livelihood have been destroyed.
My city is in chaos.
My life is in danger.

But I could use a new flat-screen TV and DVD entertainment center.

To those wondering what to make of looters, I say I say, I say I say:

Let ‘em have it.
With no problem.

Who cares if you don’t have a house? You need a new bedroom set.

What does it matter if you can’t find any food? You’ve got a brand-new microwave.

Who’s going to notice that you’re a police officer in uniform? Take that Cadillac.

What happened happened. It’s all water under the floodwall.

New Orleans cannot move past this disaster until we accept that the past is in the past and resolve to move forward together into the future.

The Special Man, a New Orleans native, is the spokesman for Frankie and Johnnie’s Furniture.

All opinions expressed in Op-Ed pieces are the solely those of the author. The Creole-Tomato assumes no responsibility for their content.

Prayer seems to be working...

They're putting Renee on chemo tomorrow/today. They've taken her off the medicine that dissolves the blood clots that were in her lungs, and hopefully, if the chemo works, they can operate on her to try and remove some of the cancer from her organs (liver and uterus so far). But it's good news all the same. I was relieved when my mother told me. Now I can call Dayna and still have hope that she doesn't cry.

I know I said I was only going to my 4th and last tattoo, but now I want to add on it...


See it all started today when were suppose to take Amber to get her long past overdue tattoo for her 16th birthday (yes I know she's only 16, but she had my mother's permission, and while some of you may think that is a bit young, think of like this, what's the difference between and now and the time she's 18 if my mom says it's ok?) Well, apparently Texas has a law that if you're a minor, even with parental consent you can't get a tattoo (damn why can't everyone be like Louisiana). So I was like well I'm here, and my mom's here, and Carol, my mom's manager who was also suppose to get a tattoo were like well, we'll get ours. My mom got a dolphin on her ankle, it came out beautiful, and I got the ankh, something I had been planning to get. But now I want to add onto it, get my name in Arabic. But that's something for another day, this tattoo alone cost $80...and hurt like hell since it's on my spine.

Death

It's apart of life. It hits some of us suddenly, while others have more time to prep for it. I'm not sure which is worse, or which I'd prefer. Dayna's older sister Renee has been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer, and there is nothing they can do for her except try and keep her comfortable...and eventhough I only met her once, I still can't help but feel this deep, almost unbearable sadness. I can only imagine what Renee, Dayna and her mother are going through. From what I'm told Renee is withdrawn, and won't let anyone into the hospital room. Dayna isn't one to show too much emotion, out of the 6 years I've know her I've never seen her cry. I know there isn't anything that I could possibly say to ease her pain, or her sisters for that matter. What hurts the most is that Renee is only 30, and has just begun livnig her life. I didn't know much about her except that she is basically a genius. I wish I was there to comfort Dayna. All I can do is pray.

I have this new profound respect for Fall Out Boy...it's funny,Amber's had the CD for the longest time and I never really listened to it, got it and now I'm addicted to it. Thanks a bunch homey...(and yes, I did just say homey)

He and I are suppose to go to Colorado next week and pick out the apartment we're moving into. Then buy furniture. I'm actually looking forward to decorating my new home! And it'll be nice, it'll be just me and him, and the dogs :)

OMG...

...why is the best part of Black Eye Peas video "My Humps" at the end when Fergie makes her chest jump?

To Anon...

finally, an anonymous comment that isn't spam! I almost deleted it when I checked my mail...I think I'm in a better place emotionally. The instability, the not-knowing, the politics about this whole thing will drive anyone insane. I kept thinking to myself that things would eventually get better, I can't continue day in and day out feeling sorry for myself because you know reality will set in eventually. I've accepted that we can't go back, but I made no change just to move on. I was just empty for awhile I think. I didn't want to get attached to Houston or anyone here, I didn't want to make any commitments here because they would easily be broken if we had to leave again. I would love to move back home, but after being spoiled (and I mean literally spoiled) for the past month just living here, the quality of life is so much better. I've known there are other things, better things outside of New Orleans because I was not raised in New Orleans and almost forgot what it was like actually living in a nice area with low crime, better school system, even better customer service when you just go to the McDonald's down the street. I think I'll miss mostly the food when I leave... And as we all know, it'll be a long time before we can go back to what it was, and that basically means just selling yourself short. Yeah it was home for a lot of people, it my home for almost 8 years, but who wants to go through this again next year when another hurricane hits and we're in the same position again...they did say this "cycle" of hurricanes will last for the next 20-25 years, and they may get even worse than Katrina. I don't think we can actually go anywhere in the world that won't have some kind of natural disaster, I mean Colorado has tornados and blizzards...so of course we're taking that chance...but atleast they aren't at devastating as hurricanes. So to answer your question, I'm not experiencing up and downs, but not quite happy yet...getting there.

I'm slightly over that little bug I caught in New Orleans, not quite right, but feeling way better...

So it's official, we'll be moving Dec. 17th to Denver. My mom got the job, and he and I will be getting our own place (yay). Nothing of interest here...getting some new eye glasses so I can finally seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I hate being sick...

I've blown my nose so much it hurts when I touch it...I don't even know how I got sick (I could blame it on the sudden change of the weather) but it wasn't even that cold in New Orleans...

So we got the puppies back...it was such a sweet reunion, they looked at though they had grown some, but they didn't of course :) Jess was suffering from "dry skin" and went to biting around her tail again, and she was so skinny, but Amber assured me that she was ok and the hair would grow back eventually. I'm so glad to be home. Amber is too. When she first saw N.O. she started crying...I don't blame her, the pictures don't do justice until you see the sights for yourself. We stayed in New Orleans from Thursday to Saturday morning. It sucked too, everything was so...ugh. I was afraid to take a shower, much less drink the water. I'm still amazed at how much work still isn't being done, everything looks the same unless you're downtown. The apartment we stayed in is the apartment we are/won't be renting...I say that back because my mom's job gave her a decision to move to Colorado, or to go back in New Orleans in December. The logical thing to do would be to move to Denver, but I don't think she's quite ready to let go yet. I wouldn't want to be in New Orleans now, or the upcoming months, there are some many things going on and not one of them are positive...unless you count M.A.X. (St.Mary's, St.Aug, and XUP). By the time they stop fighting about what to do and actually start re-building, everyone will have already started over some place else. If we move to Colorado, we'll all be together (well, Whitney and I will be an hour and a half away, but that's better than 2 states away)

My favorite thing to do is go grocery shopping. I know, that is strange, but I love doing it. He'll cook, and I'll buy the ingredients. We went shopping earlier, and spent $200 on food. Tomorrow he's making me and my mom ribs...I'm not a big meat eater but I'll make room for that :)

We're suppose to be going to Las Vegas to visit my grandmother for Thanksgiving...have I mentioned I hate plane rides?

I probably won't be taking that job at The Grand, only because my mom is more than sure we're moving back to New Orleans in January.

I think one of my X-Factor's is a complete drag...and I don't mean as in queen either...this person is so depressing it's not even funny. I don't want to say any names, I'd rather them not know so I don't hurt anyone's feelings. I know, that sounds bad, but even when you tell them to shape up and get a life, it just goes through one ear and out the other.

It's really hard trying to teach yourself accounting...I'm so lucky he was an accounting major at one time, I'm getting lost and I'm only in Chapter 2.

I have another 14 months on my treatment, and another $1700 dollars to pay for my braces...I was so pissed and depressed at the same time. If KATRINA hadn't hit, I would have only had to pay $278 and wore them for another 6 months...anywho, LOL, they have a Grand Theatre like 25 miles from my house, and I might go work there...it won't be the same people I worked with so I'm actually looking forward to working again...

My mom is talking about moving back to New Orleans again...in January. And I'm not looking forward to going back...if you would have asked me this 4 weeks ago I would have gladly jumped at the idea...but now, after seeing the state the city is in...well, why would want to go back now? I know I don't, not when the area we're living is nicer, the quality of life is better, and everything you need is down the street...literally (i.e. mall, Wal-Mart, movie theatre, salon, spas, 3 Starbucks!) The only difference is, Whitney is in Colorado, my grandmother Melba is in Las Vegas along with the other half of the family I actually like, and Rayanne is in Dallas...

My sister and dogs are coming home! And I'm super duper excited! We're meeting them half way, which is actually in New Orleans, we were already getting Whitney's stuff out the dorm this week, so it's perfect timing. I'm so happy right now, I'm actually beaming. I was so excited I actually left the house (after a week) and pampered myself...it's been so long since I've gotten a pedicure I almost forgot how much it tickles! I think the lady was getting a little irritated tho, I kept jumping. But anywho, I can't wait until I see them, especially my dog, I miss her so much.

I have an orthodontics appointment tomorrow, not really looking forward to that, especially since I've haven't been wearing my rubber bands...

So I started talking to a friend of mine that I thought long gone, but I'm glad we re-kindled our friendship :)

I'm not sure if I want to go to Colorado State or not, now that my sister and dogs are coming home, I kind of want to stay...

Girls hate me...

I'm not that popular in the female department, never really have been...and if I'm friends with another girl's boyfriend, she hates me...and guess what, I. Don't. Care. :)


So anywho, my mom and I each have a brand new bottle of mace, for protection of course...


I saw my dad today for the first time in 6 years...and the whole time he talked...or his wife talked for him, I couldn't help but WANT to reach into my purse and spray both of them in the eyes...this is the same man who would undress me and my sister's at the police station when they exchanged us each week, just because my mom asked him to return the clothes she sent with us...this is the same man that hit on my cousin Laurie when Whitney was only 1...this is the same man who's lied to me over and over again when I was 5 just to try and turn me against my "evil" mommy......this is also the same man that sat outside my house today waiting for me and my mom to come home and scared the sh*t out of us...hence the mace-funny, that's the actual color of the mace. We preferred a gun, but not much luck there, so we had to learn how to hold the mace can right so not to spray in our eyes.
After all this time, the pain and the anger is still there. And instead of wanting answers (b/c I know I won't get them) I just want to inflict pain on him, just so he can see how it feels to be abandoned, to grow up without a father, to hurt his mother like he hurt mine. That's horrible, I know...but hopefully...and yes, I mean it when I said hopefully because I am hoping, that when he goes to his hearing on December 8th-that is if he doesn't run again, that the judge sentences him to prison, and he becomes someone's bitch.

Disgusted and appalled...

I don't usually talk about my extended family because about 90% of them I would rather not deal with at all. Last night, my mom went by my Aunt Sandra's house (that's my grandmother's sister). Besides the fact that we're all displaced, they have a lot more drama going on (and you'll see why I don't associate myself with them). Recently we just found out that my Uncle Mel, or Big Robiho as we call him, fathered another child outside of his marriage (not my aunt because she's a drunken mess). And while his wife sat in an apartment in Houston wasting away (no pun intended) he was moving his mistress's stuff back and forth between Baton Rouge and New Orleans a week after the storm hit, and basically left his family. He also took my aunt's FEMA money to do it (can I say low much? My aunt and uncle had 3 kids, Missy who has 6 children with like 4 different baby daddies...and I can't believe I said that, Poopie-don't ask me his real name, and my cousin Mark who died like 4 years ago or something like that of health issues,surprisingly, he pulled a 50 Cent move and was shot like 6 times a year before he died). Ok anyways, I'm leading away from the topic. So to say the least, the Robiho's were going crazy because of this sudden break in news. Then, on top of that, my cousin Poopie was still in New Orleans, impersonating an officer and looting! Ok so fastfoward a complete of weeks. My mom went by my aunt after work the day before yesterday. She of course wouldn't abandon her family in such a time of need obviously, unlike some of my family, but that's another post for another day. But because Houston is so big, and her job is already like 30 miles away from the apartment we live in, she decided to stay over night because she didn't want to spend 45 minutes trying to get home and fall asleep at the wheel (which she would have done because my mom can fall asleep at the drop of a dime, but I already suspected that she indulged herself in a few beers and a little weed already with my aunt and cousin Missy, the only family she can get away with doing careless stuff like that, so I told her to stay and sleep tight) . My mom comes home today, and brings along with her a few souvenirs (the stuff that was looted in New Orleans). When she told me where she got it from I lost it. And I don't mean to yell at my mom, I was in no way trying to be disrespectful or anything like that. I just made it a point to say to her that our house had been broken into a number of times since the storm (and thank God nothing was taken but still... ) and for all we know it could have been my cousin Poopie playing Mr.Deputy, and eventho what she brought home was considerably smaller than most items worth looting, it was still wrong. I would expect so much more from my mom, I can understand that she's under a lot of stress right now, but accepting stuff that obviously was stolen just doesn't sit right with me.

Just another night...

...so it's a typical night for me, I am once again up in the wee hours of the night (not so typical, I'm the queen of insominiacs), and all I'm doing is surfing the net. I check NOLA.com frequently, and I see a headliner, Cat 5 Wilma. At the moment the storm hasn't even hit the gulf, but when it does, it's going to go East, I've check the jet stream, and it's east at the moment as well. Which means that Florida is going to get hit...bad. And as I'm looking up all of this stuff, I'm thinking to myself when does it end? It's one natural disaster after another, after the earth quake in Peru I thought to myself "is this Armageddon?". I've tried not to doubt my faith in God, but sometimes it's hard to keep that faith, especially in this current situation where you're constantly doubting anything and everything. Natural distasters occcur all the time now...it's inevitable. It's not fair...why us, why now? Why did 1000+ people have to die because of Katrina, and damn near 40,000 people in Asia because of the earth quake? I'm plagued with questions, I found myself crying again last night for like the millionth time, asking why? Where was God when that first trickle of water seeped into the city, or when the earth began to tremble making buildings collapse with people in them. He has the power to stop all of this...but then again who am I to question Him. Everything happens for a reason, whether we like it or not...so here I am again back at square one.

Blah

Amber will be coming back in December, which is something I was hoping for because it's about that time I leave my mom. Given our current situation, I'm actually looking forward to getting out of Texas. I'm applying to Colorado State, and hopefully I will be attending the school Whitney is at. The reason I didn't go before was because I didn't want to leave my mom by herself, but now she'll have Amber...and the dogs.


I've cursed my dad out for the final time, I never want to speak to him again. He does nothing but cause people anger and pain, if he calls again I'll just ignore it. I should have known his "trying" had an ulterior motive behind it, but like me to get him the benefit of the doubt. I won't even give him the energy he needs to burn, with that said, his "hearing" with the court in January will probably land him in jail, karma is a bitch.


We're making our way back into the city...again. I think my mom is stressing herself out because there has once again been evidence of someone being in our house. I think it's pointless to go back, after all, our house is open to any looter who just wanders by, so let the bastards have it. We got the important stuff...but that doesn't stop her from wanting to go back...So I'll be making that 5 hour drive again for the 4th time this weekend...road trips are starting to become the norm.

He has been great, he makes dinner, lunch, breakfast and whatever snack in between. LOL I don't cook, I hate cooking, so my mom told him he could stay as long as he wanted. I think she finds some kind of comfort in him being there since Kenny left.

so, one day... a girl was sick & her boyfriend had come over to fix her up and make her feel better... so he brought some soup, brownies, & a tape with some re-runs of the OC and Laguna Beach...he makes the soup & sets everything on a table next to her & pops in the tape...she eats the soup & watches video... her boyfriend says that he's gotta go to meet a friend. so he leaves & she breaks out the brownies... she finishes them right as video tape was over...right after Laguna Beach ends, it cuts to a scene with her boyfriend getting blowjob from her best friend and she spits his cum into the bowl of brownie mix.. and he looks at the camera and say "u just been dumped" If u found this disgusting, funny or FUCKED UP re-post

Disgusted beyond words...

...we made our 3rd trip back to New Orleans since Katrina. I'm now use to seeing the damage, use to the smell, but I never thought that I'd actually be scared to enter into my own home after the flood. I've beeing visiting the New Orleans east forum on NOLA.com, and people have been talking about people looting since they've let people back into the city. Well, it's all true. When we first got there we realized that someone had already attempted to steal whatever we had left (but we had been there twice before so we got what was worth stealing). They went through our drawers and closets, that's how we knew someone else had been in our house. We had not been in our house for 20 minutes when someone tried to break the sliding glass door downstairs. They had no idea that we were in the house. I at first didn't know what it was, it sounded as though someone was trying to run a car into the house. My mom stuck her head out my sister's window and called them out. Of course they ran. I remember my mom calling after them, all I could do was stare at the 3 boys who just attempted to break into my home. It was almost sickening. It's already bad enough that we're going through this crisis, but for the SCUM of New Orleans to do something so savage, something so selfish, it's unbelievable. I am a strong believer in Karma, and I know eventually what goes around comes around. They're actions did not escape God's eyes. We were only so fortunate to have come before everyone else and taken what was actually worth stealing. The worst part about all of it was, an hour later, we realize that the boys who tried breaking into our house lived across the street where the "section 8 niggas" (as my mom likes to call them) moved in about 3 months ago. She called the police, little good that did, it was their word against ours, but atleast they were in the area in case they tried to do it again. He on the other hand was not so lucky. The first time we went back to New Orleans, the owner of the aparments he lived in locked the gates. That was exactly a week ago today. We go back to his house, his apartment, and his alone was the only apartment out of 16 in that building to be ransacked. I felt horrible. They stole all of his clothes, his computer, his entertainment system, even his gun. He suspects it to be the actual owner of the apartments, because the day we left New Orleans, he said "I'll watch your stuff for you." Whoa and behold, everything he owns is damn near gone. At first when I saw the images coming across the screen about people looting, I defended them. Not anymore, they're savages, animals almost. I have no sympathy for people like that, I'm ashamed to say I'm from New Orleans, because leave it to those uncivilized bastards to make us all look bad.

I'm feeling really lost right now...

It's strange, some days are better than others, some days I just don't know what to do. I'm really missing my sister's right about now. We talk everyday, but it just doesn't seem like it's enough. I miss just hanging out, Amber and I teaming up against Whitney, I miss taking my dogs out for their daily walks, hell, I even miss The Grand...somewhat. I was thinking of going to Alabama and visiting my sister for the weekend, but I already know if I go, I won't want to leave. He is the only thing keeping me sane right now...strange, we've been together 6 weeks straight and we've yet to get tired of eachother, we have our moments of bickering over silly things, but never anything serious.

We'll be making our way back into the city again...tomorrow. I really didn't want to go this time around, but, my mom insist that I come and try and get whatever else we can. She's talking about actually cleaning up some parts of the house; we've already sprayed bleach on the walls to keep the mold from growing, and left most of the windows opened. It's the heat that's going to drive me, that and the smell. My mom is at a loss as well, she actually wants to buy some units in Chimney Wood, LOL, for what, I don't know why. It'll be a very long time before anyone can even live in the east, why she would actually want to buy property at this point in time is beyond me, but hey, more power to her. We're suppose to be moving back to New Orleans, some house on the Westbank in December. I'm not even looking foward to it because I'm so comfortable here. I would stay if I could, but I can't leave my mom. She's already a basket case, she's lost her home, without family except for myself, her friends are gone. I see it more everyday because she's drinking a lot more than I like. I've even tried hiding the bottle from her, but that didn't do any good.

We made our way back into the city again today...

...my mom damn near killed us by trying to look around and drive at the same time. Just to let everyone know, there isn't ANY power, so you have to treat lights like a 4-way stop. And when you go into your house, (depending on where you lived because some parts of Gentilly got no water while others had 5-6 feet) expect to see furniture everywhere. We weren't even able to get in through the back door because our TV and couch were blocking the entrance. The trees and the grass is dead. Diggs, lol, if you hold your breath all you're going to do is not breathe in the smell...you might just get real big-eyed by the sight alone and pass out from not breathing. I take from your post you lived in the 7th ward...I'm not sure if it was you or someone else, but we passed down Miro street not far from where Gian use to live, the water line on the outside was about 4.5 feet, that's what it looked like anyway, the water line in the inside was probably a lot more than that though. We left the cord to our digital camera downstairs in the computer desk so I have to actually buy another one, until then I'll have to just to take pictures with the disposable and just get the CD to show. We have three camera's, but as soon as I get them developed I'll post some more. What is really surprising is how much cleaning isn't being done. I shouldn't be surprised that the only area's that would be cleaned would be downtown, French Quarters, Uptown and some parts of JP, but it pisses me off all the same. There was little to no military presence when we got into the east, however they cleared most of the main roads. We actually stopped at The Grand, and as much as I wanted that place to burn down to the ground, I was kind of glad to see that it was still up with little damage. Well, that's enough for tonight, I'm sleepy...

Katrina's Destruction...and today is my birthday!

Yeah I know, I only took pictures of my house and areas surrounding my house,and the Dome of course, call me selfish...

So we made our way back into the city, I should say snuck back into the city since New Orleans east won't open up until Wednesday. These pictures were taken yesterday, and I'll say the media exaggerates soooo much. Not about the damage, because as you can see it's damn near beyond repair...rumor is that they will claim New Orleans and St.Bernard Parish condemned and just pay everyone off. Everything is dead, the smell isn't that bad but that may take awhile to get out. We ran into some people from the SPCA and we told them about a few people who left their dogs. We able to save our friend's dog, he's so adorable, I'm amazed he's still alive after living without food and water for 30 days...we weren't so lucky for a neighbor of ours...but atleast we got to save one dog. We're not moving back. There really isn't anything to go back to, after driving through the east, it'll take years to re-build, and who wants to wait years to move back into a house? Since my last post we've moved into a very nice apartment, fully furnished (pics are coming soon). It's quite nice, and everything is within reach. Houston is huge though, and slightly over crowded (how slightly?) They didn't make the interestate with 4-5 lanes for no reason...













Gas station coming off Morrison exit







Front of my house, surprisingly no windows were broken...but we had to break into the house because the wooden door was swollen shut...



The pool...



What was left of the tennis court

The big black couch that I always take pictures in...

Looking into the living room which we couldn't get into

The wall my sister punched a hole into



The desk is where the couch should've been and the couch where the desk should've been

Donald breaking into my house since we couldn't get





Chimney Wood Lane...





Going into Chimney Wood

Leaving Chimney Wood

George Town Apartments

My family will officially be split up next week. Whitney's in Pueblo, Amber will be going by my step-father who also has my dogs in Alabama, and then it'll just be and my mom. I think I'm just becoming numb to the idea now, because it's like I don't feel anything anymore. When the levees broke again today in the 9th ward, all I could think was atleast no one is there, trapped in their attics. Am I worried about my house anymore? No, I've seen pictures of the damage done in Chimney Wood, they'll defintely have to re-build. The second floor wasn't touched, but by the time we're actually able to get out there and salvage whatever I'm sure the mildew and mold will have been taken over by then. I've decided to not take the job at Lady Foot Locker, I really don't have the patience for the training...so I'll be doing nothing for the next 4 months...unless my mom makes me get a job, which I doubt since we're well taken care of. I really wanted to go back and help "volunteer" or something, but my mom told me no. Funny, I'll be 21 in a week and I'm still being told what to do like I'm 7.

My dad I think has finally started to come around. It kind of pissed me off that him being threatened about being thrown in jail was what it took. Supposedly he's tired of running...and he's settled down and just wants to live his life, so he'll be paying back almost $85,000 in child support to my mother. I don't believe a word of it, he'll pay something, but not $85,000. I don't words could describe how I feel about him now, sure I long to have the father I never had, but at the same time, it just pains me because he chose someone else. I want to forgive him, but that'll take time. I've accepted that he will never be the father he should have been.

I talk to Gerald tonight. He and I've been friends for a long time, so when he called I was happy to hear from him. He's the only person I know that didn't evacuate New Orleans. He told me his experiences. Strange how I see it on TV and I feel sorry for all those people, but actually hearing it explained in detail brought tears to my eyes. He told me that most people who evacuated are worrying about their houses...he said he was glad that he had a bed to sleep in at night, because he slept along the interstate, and that he had water now, because he was drinking from bottles littered along the road. It touched me, because I was one of those people who were concerned about their house. It's depressing that people had to go into survival mode after the storm hit. It's depressing that so many people died because the levees failed, and even more upsetting that some of those levees were breached on purpose. I'm tired of people criticizing Nagin and Blanco, I'm tired of Bush and his phony smile and wave, I'm tired of the tensions mounting up Houston. It's all so frustrating. And now Rita is about to hit Texas...I don't know about anyone else, but I'm hating life right about now. I'm not suicidal or anything, I'm just feeling really down. I didn't think things could get much worse, but things are about to get that much worse.

Reasons why.....

... I can't live with a man. Now don't get me wrong, I won't generalize the entire male population, but damn, some men are so triflin. Let me explain. We're staying in a 2 bedroom 2 bathroom suite in Northern Houston. So that leaves my mom and Kenny staying in one room, and Amber, he and I staying in another. Now I'm not a neat freak, but I do like a certain level of organization...with that said, I'm so sick and tired of cleaning up after him. It's driving me up the wall! Literally, I feel like his mother fussing at him about something so trivial as picking up after himself. I won't say anything about Kenny, I'm not sharing a room with him therefore I don't care about his area, but walking through the room he shares with my mother isn't that much better than mine. I won't even go into great detail about the bathroom, but I can tell you that the toilet seat was left up countless times, more times than I care to remember. It's already bad enough this hotel is ghetto, and it smells like piss, but to add on to the smell and ghettoness is just plain irritating. I can not wait until we get out of this hotel and I can have a room of my own, and the only person I have to worry about picking up after is myself.

Despite the drama that's been going on in the past 3 weeks (i.e. Hurricane Katrina, being bit by a dog, and then the car accident yesterday) things are FINALLY starting to look better...way better. The job interview went beautifully, and the lady who did the interview said in more or less words I had the job. She asked me what I really wanted to do, because she said with my experience, and the fact that I applied for full-time, she can train me as a manager. Now there is a pro and a con to this. She could train me a manager, I'd finally get the management experience, and when we MOVE BACK, I can re-locate to one of the Foot Lockers in New Orleans. The benefits were nice, and the set salary was even nicer. However, because of the hectic hours, and because of the devastation in the southern areas, I would not be able to go to school. I only have a year and half left...I'm most likely just going to work part-time and find another job...that is until school starts. I haven't decided where I'm going to go next semester, but I need to start looking.

My dad is suppose to be going to New Orleans in a week or two. He's going to try and help out the hospitals out there, but I'm hoping he could stop by my house and see the extent of the damage. After the flood gates opened near Downman, we received a maximum of 9.5 feet of water, that's what the manager of Chimney Wood said anyway. So our first floor is gone, but I just want to know if our top floor is ok. I talked to Rayanne the other day, not only did water cover the roof of her house, but someone stole anything and everything worth stealing. I felt so bad for her...even as she told me she has literally nothing to go back to but a mud soaked home, I just couldn't help feeling so much doubt.

Finally...

I have a job interview tomorrow at Lady Foot Locker. How ironic is it that the manager of the store is an evacuee as well? Hopefully I'll get the job, cuz I am flat broke. I received my last check from The Grand today, it was only $329...I can't complain, atleast it's something...Oh God how could I forget!? I got into a fender bender earlier today...and it was my fault! I couldn't believe it either...the hood of my car is damaged :( and it even sounds funny...where I'm going to find the money to get it repaired I dunno...My dad has made it an effort to talk to Amber and I more often(I won't say Whitney because she won't answer the phone when he calls). He wants to "help" as much as he can...we'll see how long that last. Maybe I should call him and ask for money to get my car fixed...Becky (my car) had a few dents and scratches before...but the hood is a gone!

He evacuated with us...and being together damn near the whole time is really a test on our relationship. We're fighting more often now over stupid stuff, snapping at eachother, it's starting to drive me crazy. But he's about to leave in a few weeks to start school...again, so I have to enjoy the little time we have left together because the next time we see eachother probably won't be until next year.

My mom is so indecisive right now. I don't blame her. We're in a situation where we have no choice but to take things day by day. So I have to understand better why she's so much more frustrated and irritable. My aunt and uncle are still in New Orleans. But they're fine. My uncle bought two generators, and has 3 refrigerators full of food and AC. Amazing...because he lives right down the street from St.Aug on Miro street. I think they might be living better than us...I only say that because atleast they're at home. I took so much for granted, and this hurricane has opened my eyes. I've never been through anything this bad...I've been through tornadoes, blizzards, even a mini earth quake...but never a hurricane.

We left Jess and Twinkie with my step-father in Alabama. I was heartbroken. It was then it really hit me that this hurricane changed our lives completely. I can only imagine what the other evacuees must've felt, how they suffered so much. A whole city displaced...where do we go from here? My mom and her many ideas are sending us all over the country. I was told today to look up apartments in Colorado. Ironic, so ironic that we leave Colorado to be closer to family, only for our family to be all over the America and for us to go back. So after doing my research, I've come across three apartments, 1 in Aurora and 2 in Colorado Springs. I doubt any of the information I give to my mom will do any good, like I said, she doesn't know what she wants to do. The longer she waits, the longer Whitney, Amber and I sit out of school. The longer she waits, we will be without jobs and a stable place to stay. The longer she waits, it's 3 hour less drive back to New Orleans when they let us back into the city.

I've come across pictures, satellite pictures of New Orleans. And while most of it is split up in certain parts, and it took me forever to locate my own house, I'm happy to know that my house only got a few feet of flooding. You can even see the cars and the windows...

At the moment we're in Sunnyvale Texas, which is like 10 miles outside of Dallas. It's basically nothing but land, we're staying in the guest house that belongs to one of my "rich" cousins...pretty comfortable living...but it's not the same as home. I've gotten tired of watching the news. The coverage is making me frustrated, and some how eventho this is a natural disaster...politics seem to be playing a big part. I've been looking on the net for days for satellite pictures of the east, and from what I'm seeing, my house got 2-4 feet of flooding. Not bad, considering that the flood gates near Downman magically opened up by themselves...I smell a conspiracy. If anyone would like to know what their house may look like as of Sept. 2nd...here's the link http://ngs.woc.noaa.gov/katrina/KATRINA0000.HTM . The tricky thing about this link is that you have to know exactly where you're located, otherwise you'll end up some place else. I played around with it for a few hours, like Gian said, Eastover is underwater, but Six Flags is still intact...strange huh?

I have no words...

for the past week I've been through one emotional roller-coaster. I've felt every possibly emotion there could possibly be, cried more tears than a river could ever hold. And yet, I come out realizing how blessed me and my family are. It wasn't until I saw the images of what is left of what these out-of-towners call "Eastern New Orleans" that I had a strong hold on to my material "possessions". Things that I thought I should have packed but didn't, most likely under water, but who knows since no one has been in the real Eastern part of New Orleans. I don't care what is lost in my home anymore, it's not important. It's important that Sunday night at 3 am my mother decided to leave the underwater city, because if we hadn't, I would be on top of my roof. My heart goes out to them, it saddens me to see all of these helpless people (well...not helpless anymore as of today) suffering. We'll be moving to Houston in a few days, where a house will be waiting for us (that's a post for another day). I want to thank everyone that checked up on me, I appreciate it. I'm glad to hear that Diggs and Gian are doing ok as well. I'm not sure when I'll get access to a computer again, so my post might be far inbetween.

I haven't blogged as much as I use to, I think I'm going through a blogger's depression or something, and although a few things are going on that present moment, for some reason I just haven't logged on to blog about the happenings in my life.


The run down...school has officially started, some Monday through Thursday you can find me in the classroom at the wee hours of the afternoon (12-4). For some reason this semester they changed the class schedules, so I only have classes Monday through Thursday, giving me a 3 day weekend...Can I get a hell yeah!? Ok, maybe not...HELL YEAH!!!! Other than my fabulous classes and the fabulous work load this semester, I've decided to step-down from my position to avoid the drama that would erupt like a volcano if I didn't...I have yet to inform my managers of my decision, but I think they'll be happy to know can Jerrod boss me around :D

My birthday is coming up in about 36 days, and there will be 21 candles on there, so I expect lots of presents! Ok no really, all I want in the pink mini iPOD and the $2,000 dell note book, but he has already taken care of the iPOD and mom is getting the notebook, so, a happy birthday from y'all would be great! ok carrying on...

He and I have looked at a few apartments, but we will most likely be moving out to JERFFERSON PARISH with all the traffic and decent malls... but who cares. My doggy Jess will not be coming with me :( but that's only because she will be depressed without Twinkie, so we will most likely be getting another dog. I want a tiny dog I can put in my purse and carry around like a rich *fill in the blank*

Whitney had been living on campus for the past week at UNO, and she already "hates" it...I think it's because her room mate is just as sloppy as she is...it's been quite quiet without her, I can defintely feel the difference with her being gone. That's funny because when Whitney WAS HOME, she slept about 95% of the time so I barely saw her at all...maybe it's because she doesn't leave tooth paste in the sink in the mornings anymore...who knows!

His birthday is coming up as well, but I haven't the slighest idea what to get him. I want to go all out for him... So if anyone has any suggestions, let me know.

He and I went out to lunch Thursday before I had to work for 5. We were talking, and he received a phone call from who I like to call his "career advisor". He says a lot of "yeahs" and "oks", and I'm sure the only reason he didn't say a lot on his end is because he didn't want me to catch on to what they were talking about. Of course I asked him about it, and he said in more or less words he'd officially start working next March. Now most people would think that's awhile from now, but 8 months to me is like tomorrow. So I get all teary eyed and damn near start crying at the table. Of course he tries to console me, but that didn't work. So I sucked it up until I got home. It was an all out tear fest then. I can't believe that almost 6 months ago I was dating fruity booty, and now I'm emotionally attached to someone who's about to leave me. I won't lie, I doubt that our relationship will work. I can't see myself seeing him 12 times out the year, it makes me depressed thinking about it. But that would be my luck...I actually find someone that I care about and that treats me right, only for him to leave.

It's at the point...

where anything that's done to me...or against me, doesn't even matter anymore. I do not care anymore. I'm tired of being tired. I'm letting it go. No one can hurt me unless I let them.

I have a reader...

that I know personally, and we don't like eachother at all. I won't call them out, but it's funny that this person quotes exact words from my blog...and tells other people...BITCH, mind your own business, and get a life!

Have a nice day!

*and yes, I did curse*

This world is so small....

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: you do not know how far the next person's connections run. You can't do anything without it getting back to someone. I received a phone call from Demetrium as I was falling asleep tonight. I think it's really funny that two days ago I posted about this, but this time it's a different a girl. This girl named Miranda, or something like that had a room mate that would been considered the other woman. She was sleeping with James, and according to Miranda, still is. The sad part about all of this is, this girl claimed to have gotten HPV from James, and is still messing around with him. I would have dismissed this piece of information if it wasn't for the time frame. Seemingly past events are starting to take place in my mind as Demetrium is talking. James was having sex with this girl, and then coming back and having sex with me. When he claimed to just be "hanging" out on Dillard's campus after my classes let out and I had already gone home, this bell just started ringing in my head. Why in the hell would you be on MY campus if I already went home after classes I would ask him. He was just hanging out with some of the people he "graduated" with. Right, and I believed him. Did he even think of me while he was cheating on me with these random girls? Did he think of the consequences as soon as he stuck his dick in a girl that wasn't me? I'm pissed as all hell, because this nigga is so selfish and inconsiderate and arrogant, he put my life in jeapordy, and for what? A damn nut. When I asked him to be honest with me time after time, he swore up and down that I was the only person. And I was stupid to believe him. I'm just lucky enough that the dirty bastard didn't give me anything. I think it's really pathetic that all the dirt he's done is JUST NOW coming to light. All I can do is let it go. But I'll say this, I hope his penis falls off. James just better hope he doesn't run into him, because James will not be able to walk anymore.

Some people are so ugh!!!! It must be case of the X weekend or something

The X isn't even pregnant...that triflin itch is down here in New Orleans for 6 weeks, and tries to come by his house when she finds out I'm staying with him. He of course tells her no and pisses her off. Then that nasty heffa tells him she isn't even pregnant! Personally I'd like to rip all of her hair of out her head...but I'm not a figher, I haven't gotten into a fist fight since I was the 7th grade. I don't think fighting would solve anything, but this tramp has me so pissed off right now...He can't seem to get rid of her. He's changed his phone number twice already, e-mail address, and even his banking company, and for some unusual reason, she still has ACCESS TO ALL OF THEM. I actually trust this dude with my life, and I would be so hurt if I found out he was still entertaining her in any way, which would be the only way for her to actually know all of his personal information. I don't want to doubt him...but I don't know anymore. She will pop up out of nowhere, call him, pass around his apartment, even call his job to see if he's working that day. I won't even go into detail about the time she called MY job to find out when I was working and when I got off from work...of course Customer Service can't give out that kind of information...but they questioned me about it.

And then on top of that...some random chick tells me she has a STD, and she got it from James and I need to go get checked! Moi? Burning...I don't think so, see, I was tested in March or April, I forgot, everything came back str8, and I haven't been with James since last year in November...I felt bad for the girl or whatever, she's a victim of his I guess, I mean, if you've had over 35 partners like James, you would think to get tested occasionally right? No, he has never been tested, not for STDs anyway, and when I encouraged him to get tested when we were together, he basically dismissed the idea, he was really that arrogant not to get tested. Ok, arrogant and dumb, because if this girl really has a STD and James did give it to her, he might be passing it around to everyone else.

Then there's that dick head Jerrod. I stayed until 9 last night to help out, and this prick made me want to choke the life out of him. He is such a poor excuse for a human, I can't even stay mad at him.

This is the longest I've been away from my blog...

and so much has happened since the last time I've posted. But I'd rather not talk about it now, it wasn't exactly good. Just know in the past week, I moved out of my mother's house, moved in with him (and the only good thing that came out of that was I got to stay over night with him and sleep with him in his bed, it was quite nice)and moved right back with my mom.

Thursday I took a 17 year old girl to get birth control from Planned Parenthood. She was planning on having sex with her boyfriend, and had her mind set on doing it. I didn't think I could talk her out of it, besides, in a way that would have been hyprocritical of me to try to. I lost my virginity to Aaron when I was 17. So all I could was give her advice and hope that all goes well with her first sexual encounter.

He and I had our first argument. It was a pretty heated argument, and over something that could have been easily avoided. I was pretty upset already because they're trying to make me work 6 days in a row at work this week, and then he went and said something that made me even more upset.

I told Demetrium that I think I'm in love...his reponse was "I'm jealous."

This is killing me!

He hasn't even started school yet, and I'm reduced to seeing him once every few days...he's picked up more shifts at work and is talking about getting a second job...we don't go out on weekends anymore, and I refuse to go anywhere by myself. Amber and I will usually do something while Whitney will hole herself up in the bedroom, but even she has a social life and doesn't want hang out with her big sister all the time. God I can't wait until Rayanne and Dayna get back, I'm so bored. They've nearly cut out shifts in half at work so I have tons of time on my hands during the week...I would look for another job, but I kind of got discouraged after the Oschner situation, I don't think too many places will work with my schedule. I think I might just stick it out until something else better comes along...

Do you ever talk to some people...

...you just wanna smack the hell out of? Like literally, just take the back of your hand, and just slap them across the head? Ok, that's what I want to do right now. I just want to slap them, and possibly knock some sense into them. I'm talking to this guy I've known for awhile, and he starts questioning me about him. I kind of just dismiss him, because like I've said before, we're not talking about our relationship with anyone. Then this guy, who I'll call E, says "You like them ignant ass niggas from New Orleans, he probably ain't no different from James." Now the hostile part of me just wants to knock a few teeth out for just saying something so f-ing stupid, but the reasonable, thoughtful side is saying...he's just trying to get a rise out of you. So I simply explain to him that not everyone is the same, there are actually decent people in this crappy city. "Is that why you dealt with James for so long?" was his response. Why oh why does James have this stigma, I can't seem to shake him to save my life. Someone always has to bring James up. Honestly, anytime someone associates me with someone, it's always James. We haven't been together 8 months and people still throw his name in my face. But I guess that's what I get for not sharing my business with the world, since I won't admit to him, they use James against me.

Anne

Anne and I have been friends since she was in the 8th grade and I was in the 9th grade. She was one of the girls I actually talked to because like myself, we were outcast in some kind of way. Everyone thought I was the athiest freak and she the lezbo voodoo witch. So we got along just fine. Well, Anne and I happen to work at the same place, and we're still friends 6 years later. I accepted a long time ago her sexual preference, but some new things have come up and I'm shocked and somewhat disturbed. Here's a convesation between Donald and I to explain a little better...

Donald-You know Anne likes you.
Me-Of course she does, everyone likes me (said with complete sarcasm).
Donald-No, like for real, she wants to turn you out.
Me-Ummm...ewww much?
Donald-Yeah, when we work together, we always talk about how big your ass is and how everyone wants to f*ck you, including her.
Me-Ummm, Donald, stop playing me (I slap him).
Donald-I'm serious! She really likes you, like, wants to be with you.
Me-(silent)
Donald-She didnt say anything because you aren't "like that".
Me-Well I'm not, the only person I'd ever go gay for is...
Donald-(cuts me off) Jessica Simpson, Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie.
Me-Right! I'm so glad you pay attention. You know I don't believe you right?
Donald-Fine. Next time I see her I'ma tell her to tell you.
Me-Whatever loser.

So now when I work with Anne, I become speechless around her. She doesn't know that I know, but it still makes the air uncomfortable.

Among other things...

My mother came home in the middle of the day and nearly blew on Whitney because the backdoor was unlocked. My sisters and I are baffled by this because we usually leave the backdoor open for the dogs. Our neighborhood is fairly safe enough to keep it unlocked so we never think about it twice until it gets dark. When we asked my mom what her problem was, she starting saying things like "anyone can just walk in here" and "it's not safe to keep the doors unlocked." I pointed out to her that if anyone even came close to our house, the dogs would have been all over it, they are after all like our personal alarm system, no one gets close to our house with our knowing it because they bark like crazy. That's when the truth comes out. Apparently, who ever JUST moved into the house that's like 3 houses down is a recently released SEX OFFENDER. She was more worried now than ever because this sex offender was giving Whitney and I...the eye. Now, my mom doesn't want us out at night past 11 (eventho sometimes I work until 1), and when we take the dogs out at night, Kenny has to come with us.

I've finally found the color that I want to paint my room. It's like this light winter green, it's really pretty. I already picked out the bedroom set, now if only I can save up like $800 dollars to get it all done at once. Donald already said he would paint my room for me, he's so sweet.

Braces suck!

Not only do I have springs and rubber bands in my mouth, but the damn metal is cutting up my fingers when I replace the the rubber bands or pull the springs in front the wires. But who cares about that...

I put in an application for this job at Oschner, but unfortunately because of my school schedule, I won't be able to work there :( and I was so hoping to get out of The Grand. It looks as though I'll be staying because they are the only one's who will work with my schedule, unless Methodist will come thru...it's kind of depressing, but I was cheered up somewhat because he bought me Natasha Bedingfield's cd today so woohoo for me!

My mom is actually considering getting my dogs insurance (I didn't know they insurance for animals) because we just spent $170 at the vet to get Jessica all of her shots, complimented with a free bath so she smells like a brand new car.

I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced again at the top, but I'm being a wimp. I'm actually afraid to have them shoot that little gun...you would think because I already have 3 tattoos I wouldn't be terrified of getting my ears pierced.

My mom,sisters and I went to the Mall of Louisiana today. It was sort of like a girls day out kinda thing. We were originally suppose to go to Mississippi, but plans changed...either way, I knew we'd end up spending a bunch of money that we shouldn't have. My mom didn't get the job in Colorado like I had hoped, but she still wants to move out of our house anyway. She put a bid on a house not far from here in hopes of getting it, which means saving money. Well, with the 4 of us, we blew a thousand or two. When we shop, we shop big...if there is such a thing. I came home with a few accessories, some clothes, crap I really didn't need. But I'll take it all the same.

A girl from my job was fired today. I didn't even work today, but I heard it about it as soon as I got home...that's how messy people are at my job. I was kind of surprised by this, because 99.99999999999% of the people at my job, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get fired. They always quit. The reason behind her being fired, or at the GM will rarely put it :your services are no longer needed, was because she cursed back at a customer who cursed her out. It's actually pretty common for customers to curse out our employees, but that's why people like ME are there to deal with irate customers. I've been cursed out loads of times, it doesn't phase me like it would most people. There have been a few incidents where the employees might curse back at a customer, I unfortunately have no control of that, I can only deal with the customer, and then the employee. But no one has been fired because they went back and forth between a customer, maybe because we get a lot of ignorant black people who don't know how to act. Or maybe because we have GREAT security guards who just throw their bums out the door.<----I know I said bums, I'm trying to refrain from cursing :). So why was this girl of all people the only one to be fired for cursing out a customer who probably deserved it in more than one way? Why...our dear old managment team, none other than Bitchy McBitch Bitch and Therass. I haven't talked about my job lately, things for me have gone rather smoothly, mainly because I keep to myself. But it still pisses me off that we have people with authority who will abuse the hell out of it. It's not fair. It's not right. I've been stressed out and and angry about the people who sit in that office and screw everything up for everyone else because they don't want to act like adults. It's almost sickening. I was suspended because of these two tackheads, and a girl was fired because in reality, it was more of a personal vendetta. Anyone else would have been transferred to another department or suspended...not this girl, she was fired, and all because of these two.

I don't know what's more embarassing, his mom seeing me in just a t-shirt or the wrapper in the blankets

The usual randomness...maybe I'll start a randomness post once a week

Did the usual, went to work, came home. Except tonight, me, him, Amber, and Amber's friend Sydni played card games for about 2 hours. It was fun. At the present moment he's knocked out on the couch, sleeping with the pups.

My stalker has gone to calling me restricted again, but I think I know who it is...someone who has no life, and is extremely LAME and immature. So I'm changing my number, for those of who you have already have my CELL number, IM me and I'll give you the new one.

I think I might've found a job, but I'm not saying anything yet just in case I jinx it, I hope to leave The Grand and all it's dramatics soon...very soon...

He is about to start truck driving school. It's like a 12 week class that he has to take, and then he'll start driving trucks around the states. This sux because he said he will most likely only be home 6 weeks out the year :(. It's kind of depressing, because we've been talking about getting a place of our own (this is how serious it is), so I'll be holed up in OUR apartment or house by myself for 10 months or so.

The pain of jealousy lasts longer than the happiness of those we envy. Don`t let the little people underneath you tell you what you`re worth-unknown

This is one of my favorite quotes. It's just a constant reminder that people aren't perfect, and we'r'e all different. I can't expect any more...so I just wait for those around me to catch up. I re-read the last post from yesterday, and I'm disappointed in myself. I actually gave James energy. He is no longer in my life, I cut off commmunication with him a long time ago. I don't care what he thinks of me, I broke up with him for a reason, because he was a lousy boyfriend, and a poor excuse for a human being. I vowed to myself that I would not entertain people like him, I don't have time for their immaturity and negativity. They can't hurt me unless I allow them to.

Ok I feel guilty...

I was on the computer, and I came across this note book. When I opened it, there we a few poems in it. So I started reading. I recgonized my sister's handwriting, and instantly felt bad because I never knew she was interested in writing. Then the poems changed into a journal, and yes, I feel guilty because I read one entry. I feel as if I don't know my sister, I never would have known she has low self-esteem, or that she contemplated suicide. Just from this one entry I can see she was going through a lot, nothing that she's ever discussed with me or Whitney. Most of what she wrote about what how unhappy she was, and how much my mother hurts her (not physically). I can only sympathize with her because I can almost relate to how she feels when it comes to my mom. I won't lie and say that our home is a happy home. We do have our ups and downs, more than I like. I've noticed over the past few months that my mom's "depression" has become more obvious, because when she is angry or upset, she usually takes it out on me. I'm use to it, 5 years ago I let her run over me, but now I stand my ground. When that happens, she turns to someone else she can push around that won't push back, and that's usually Amber. Amber told me yesterday that she wanted to go live with my step-father. When I asked her why, she just said she doesn't want to live in New Orleans anymore. I believed her, because we all said we'd move out of state in a second if we could. But she was afraid to bring it up to my mom because knowing mother dearest, she'll probably have this nasty attitude and hold it against Amber. I'm afraid to say anything to Amber because it's pretty clear from reading her journal that she's emotionally unstable, but if I don't say anything, then it'll probably just get worse. I'm going to talk with Whitney before I say anything tho, she and I could probably talk to Amber together...well enough of the sad stuff...on to something that's been on my mind...


JAMES. And no, not in a good way. I did a post awhile ago, it was more like a declaration, or an explanation, whatever, I was just venting because his skull is thick enough to crack concrete. I thought it was the actually ending of James and I, I mean, in my life, he doesn't exist. I've moved on, I have a boyfriend that I'm falling in love with. James is never on my mind, until today. This dude is bitter. According to a friend of mine, and it's hearsay , first he asked if she's seen me lately, and according to her, she just rolled her eyes. Then he makes a comment:if I had known about Quinn, I would have never been involved with her. I'm like wtf? What do you mean if you had known about me, I mean, from another point of view, it sounds like I have some kind of disease that I've gotten from being promiscuous or something. Is he really that upset that I didn't consider being with him anymore? I don't going around telling people bad things about him. Whatever, that dude is a loser. He just needs to get over himself. He's almost as arrogant as my sperm donor, they should be together and bless the world with their lameness.

Changes...

A few weeks ago I gave up cursing, and as hard as I thought that might've been, because it's usually a slip of the tongue, it's been easier than expected. Of course, when I almost slip up, I usually substitute the actual word for something that sounds really dorky, like f'ing or stupid butt. LOL, I'm such a loser...but anyways, I was surprised at myself that after being called a "stupid black woman" that I didn't have the urge to curse out this ignorant lady like she deserved. I was at the nail shop yesterday, doing the usual pampering, when this lady came in with crutches. You really couldn't tell what was wrong with her, except that she walked with only one foot, hence the crutches. She asked for an overlay and a pedicure. The Asian lady who was running the shop at the time asked if she would be able to get in and out of the chair, and if she would be able to move her feet like so because all women know, the massage chairs sit high, and you have to continuously put your feet in and out of the water. This lady already had an attitude, you could tell because she snapped at her husband and her son when she walked in the door for something minor it seemed. The conversation went something like this...

Ignorant Lady-Should I take my business some place else?(threatning tone)
Asian Lady-It's up to you, we don't want to you to hurt yourself anymore than you already are...
Ignorant Lady-Why would you try to hurt me?
Asian Lady-We wouldn't try to hurt you, I'm just asking because the chair is high and I'm looking out for your well being
Ignorant Lady-Well, I'll just go somewhere else
Asian Lady-ok

The ignorant lady decides to walk away, but not before muttering something about she was okay to get a pedicure and it really up to her to decide her "well being". Well,you would think that would be the end of that. 5 minutes later the husband comes back in and askes for a business card. The Asian lady tells him they're out, but he can come back tomorrow for one if he liked. Then he walks outside, takes down the number of the shop, walks away. Another 5 minutes pass and the ignorant lady comes back in. That conversation went something like this...

Ignorant Lady- My husband asked you for a business card, give me your business card
Asian Lady- We don't have anymore at the moment
Ignorant Lady- Whatever. Do you normally turn away disabled customers, because that's discrimination. I just talked to my lawyer, and he said to get a business card from you.
Asian Lady- Like I said before, we don't have any
Ignorant Lady- This is discrimination. Y'all need to go back to your own country

A bunch of stuff was yelled in Vietnamese, apparently she offended them. They threatened to call the cops, then she threatened to call the cops, a few curse words were exchanged, and she still made no attempt to leave, despite the fact they asked her about 10 times to get out.
Ignorant Lady-Y'all are wrong, ask anyone in here.
Me-No they aren't.

It got quiet. Uh-oh, it's about to be a girlfight...

Ignorant Lady-Tell me why they ain't wrong
Me-They didn't turn you away, you chose to go somewhere else.
Ignorant Lady-What high school did you graduate from because you don't have any common sense, you're a stupid black woman
Me-(I laugh) Oh okay
Ignorant Lady- (said something that I couldn't understand)
Me-(laughs again)I'm the stupid one? You're the one calling your lawyer because you can't get in a chair. You're probably the type of person who looks for ways to sue other people with fake injuries, take your ignorant black behind some place else where they tolerate stupidity.
Ignorant Lady- I hope this injury comes back on your family.
Me- (I laugh again) Have a blessed day

You would have thought that was the end of it. Nope. The husband comes back in a second time and tells the Asains his wife is making a formal complaint against the shop. Everyone just laughed at him. It was really pathetic. This lady was serious. My sister told me after we left the shop that she had stopped her iPOD just to listen to the conversation, and she was about to jump in too because I was the only one to speak up...as usual. I wasn't even mad at the lady, I mean, she was funny to me. This lady was really dumb in a pathetic way. I hope she did have a blessed day tho, she needed Jesus.

I've tried making a habit of getting up at 6:30 in the morning and going swimming for a half hour. It's part of my plan to get back "in shape",but I find it takes a toll on my hair, apparently chlorine isn't good for my hair.

My sleeping habits are way off, I'm only get about 4 hours of sleep at night, wake up at 6 as usual, then get tired again around 2 just to sleep until 7. My mom suggested I take sleeping pills.

I can't wait until Natasha Bedingfield's cd comes out, I sampled it and simply fell in love with it.

My sister Amber comes home today, I missed her. She went and stayed with my step-dad for about 3 weeks, and with only Whitney and I here, I could feel the major difference. Amber and I are a lot closer than Whitney and I. She's like my other half, me at 16.

I think I waited almost a year when I found out the Harry Potter book was coming out, it was sort of like waiting for Christmas to come when you're 5 years old, trying to stay up all night so you can get a glimpse of Santa. Well, after the long wait, I've finished the 650 page book in less than 2 days, I bought the book at 2am on Saturday, and finished it at 4pm today. The book was far from a disappointment, but I am disappointed because there's no more mystery, no more anticipation, well, not until the last installment comes out anyway. I was farely depressed to say the most at the end of the book, I won't spoil it for those who haven't read it yet, but a MAJOR character died, and it was like losing a friend in a way. I actually started crying (don't laugh at me (c:).


In other news, I was so close to just quitting my job. I was planning on just going to the office and handing in my Grand Polo shirt and my keycard, walking around in my uniform pants and my bra. I had to TALK myself OUT of quitting. Nothing in particular triggered this sudden urge, I've felt this way for some time now as some of you may know. If it wasn't for this one bill, I would have quit, and the only reason for that being I wouldn't have the usual incoming cash flow. I wouldn't be without money, I'd be taken care of easily by him. However I am not a dependent person, and would never rely on anyone to do anything for me, not even my own mother. So I told myself I'll just quit when I find something better. Hopefully I'll find something better soon, because I'm starting to HATE it now.

There's always someone in the family...

that would be considered the black sheep.,whether it's the bum who has 3 different children by 3 women or the family memeber who sells drugs. I have a lot of that in my family. My mom has 3 brothers(my mom and my uncle Darren have the same father, my uncle John has another, and my uncle Don doesn't even know who is father is) and surprisingly being the only INDEPENDENT person in her imediate family, she came out all right. 2 out of 3 of my uncles have both been in and out of jail since I can remember, both have families, and both have been arrested for selling drugs and domestic abuse. I never could understand why a man would beat his wife, especially since they were raised by my grandmother,but then again, I blame her for most of their problems because she wasn't exactly mother material. Not blaming her for what they did because they, like all people, made a choice between right and wrong, and chose wrong. I blame her because of the way they are...lazy, dependent and abusive. Currently, both my uncles Darren and John are in jail. My uncle Darren has 3 kids, I only know two because those are his wife's children, the the 3rd is a product of adultery. My uncle called my mom a lot, and for awhile she would pick up the phone, but now she ignores it when she sees the caller id. I don't know if it's because the phone bill was getting high, or because the situation was wearing down on her emotionally, and she's JUST getting over my grandparent's death (my grandfather died in 01 and my grandmother died in 03, and then my grandfather's wife whom my mom was close with died in 04). Well whoa and behold today, my aunt calls to tell my mom that my brother is getting worse (he has a bad case of diabetes,and doesn't take care of himself at all i.e. takes his insulin ONLY when his feet start to hurt, drinks lots of alcohol, does drugs). He's sicker than usual, so much that he's had a few seizures. Not to paint a grim picture, but that's exactly how my grandfather was right before he died. It's almost like reliving his death again, but despite the toll my uncle's actions have on my family, I love him to death. Then my aunt goes on to say how she doesn't have any money, she's barely making ends meet living check to check, and it's hard taking care of Sydni and Darren Jr. My cousin Sydni was just diagnosed with a compulsive disorder, and my aunt has asked my mom if she could take Sydni in. My mom is kind of skeptical about this, because my mom doesn't have babies anymore, I was about to move out, Whitney's staying on UNO's campus, and Amber is about to be a junior in high school. On top of that, my mom just got a promotion yesterday, and was offered another job in Denver, which she is most likely going to take. I on the other hand am up for the idea of having her come stay with us. It would help my aunt out a lot, and probably help relieve whatever stress my uncle Darren is going through, and hopefully he'll get better (the infirmary in the prison sucks). I remember when my dad left us right after my mom found out she was pregnant, my mom couldn't even afford to keep Amber after she was born and sent her to live with my grandfather and his wife, so I know what's going through. I just hope everything falls into place.