Randomness

In constant rotation:
1. Maroon 5
2. Alicia Keys
3. Gwen Stefani

Just a random thought, but I don't think Michael Jackson is actually going to get off this time, I think he's about to do some serious time...


The Zulu Ball is Friday, it'll be my first time going. The last time I got dolled up and played Princess for a night was...last year for St.Aug's senior prom...I know what you're thinking,what is my old ass doing at a prom. It was actually a favor for a friend of mine who happens to be gay, and since he couldn't bring his ::ahem:: significant other, I went with him (I really did feel out of place being there tho...)

So anways back to the Zulu ball. I'm going with my new love interest Jerrod, apparently his mother has the hook up so we have a table right up in the front, or something. He even got a hotel room, so that'll be an interesting post for later. The dress I have for the occasion is a halter top, very sexy. It fits pretty tight but at the bottom is flares out. I'm actually getting excited. I'm not sure how I am going to have my hair done...I was thinking of an up do, but then I want the curls, I dunno, I'll wait until Friday when I talk to my hair dresser.

I have to say, that despite all of the drama I went through to register for classes , I honestly say it's worth it...now. I LOVE my classes...They weren't the classes I picked originally, but I must've went through that shit for some reason!

Last night I was sitting in the car with Jerrod, it was going on 2 in the morning. We had just got off from work, and instead of getting out the car, we just sat there and talked (we got off at 12 keep in mind). I love spending time with him, he's so sweet. He has the prettiest eyes a guy could ever have, the kind where you just sort of fall into. So when I had to leave, I didn't want to, I had gotten up to leave about 5 times before actually doing it. I miss him when we aren't talking, and this was the first time I saw him in about two weeks, so when I had to leave for the final time, I just hugged him really tight. I think I might just go ahead and start a relationship with him, I really really really really really like him, I can't stress that enough.

Racism within blacks

Yesterday my mom and I went and bought our books for school, and we ran into my cousin DeeDee. She and my mom started talking as I went to look at the sweatshirts, and when I came back, they were talking about my cousin/God-mother, Michelle's, wedding. Apparently DeeDee had not been invited to Michelle's wedding, which to me was odd because they were close. So then they started talking about stuck up Michelle was blah blah blah, I didn't interfere because well, it was true. Now my mom who coordinated the whole wedding told me as we were leaving the real reason why DeeDee wasn't invited because of her "tattoos", and I'm like, that's a bullshit reason not to invite someone, especially our cousin. The real reason she wasn't invited was because DeeDee is what the McElveens would call "ghetto", which is pretty much intolerable in my family. Of course, on my mother's side of the family (I came out the darkest in my family), they consist of the DeGruys and the McElveens, and you can guess that they are all "high yellow". Now the DeGruys aren't color strickened, of course they don't marry anyone that is darker than a brown paper bag, but the McElveens, well, that's another subject. Personally, if it wasn't for my mother I would have nothing to do with that side of the family. My mom is very fair-skinned, but she didn't discriminate, she married a dark skinned man, fortunately, I came out the darkest while my other two sisters are not that far from being as light as my mother. Now this bother's me a great deal, because when we are at family functions my sisters and I feel out of place, I inherited my father's dark skin, and as the ignorant would say the "good hair", so even eventhough I wasn't light enough to be apart of the brown paper bag class, I atleast inherited the hair, which gives me more of an indian look than anything else. I remember one time we were at my aunt Juanita's house (Michelle's mother),and my mom got this really pretty tan, she was so brown and she looked so healthy, and I remember my aunt Juanita making a comment: you're too dark, starting to look like them niggas. Now I'm sitting next to my mom, and even with the tan, I was still darker than her. Now my initial thought was the to curse her out and give her a piece of my mind, but that's my aunt, and despite what she said I do love her. But it still makes me mad, and I think to myself, what makes you think you're any better than the next black person? You're still black, when you fill out information forms you put African-American, you shop in the white community but white people will still look at you like you're a nigga. This is a real sensitive subject with me I bet some are thinking, you're right. These people are so proud of the fact that their grandmothers and grandfathers are products of adultery and rape, and it makes me sick. Literally, my freshman year in college I had to ask my grandmother for a project for African World studies, to tell me what about our ancestors when it came to slavery. This was worth 60 percent of our grade keep in mind...when I asked her about it, she couldn't tell me, because guess what, we didn't have freakin slaves in our family!!!! I'm like, I'm so fucked for this class, I can't ask anyone on my father's side of the family because well, my dad is an asshole who left my mother for a white woman when I was five, and his family did shit and wouldn't tell my mom where he was when it came to child support , so I don't even talkin to those bitches. My grandmother who I love and adore was useless for this project, all she could tell me was about free people of color blah blah blah, the root of racism within blacks. So you can imagine what I did, I gave my teacher a fucking family tree, and all I can tell you, is that my family are made up of mutts. French,Irish,Indian,and Native American are the dominate races in my family(even on my father's side my mom told me, Irish and Native American). I mean, with names like DeGruy and McElveen and Gordon, well shit, what happened to Johnson and Smith, real American names...My teacher gave me an A, because my family history was so "interesting", and I'm like, whatever dude, the family tree defeated the whole purpose of the project, but he understood, because this is a BLACK MAN, and some black families have never "experienced slavery". He didn't care that my great grandmother was from India, or that my grandmother's mother and father were from France and Britain. And it's funny because this man was more understanding than most of family members who would more likely turn up their nose at the sight of him than to listen to him. I'm tired of talking about this subject, I might've offended some people in this post,but hey, if the shoe fits...

Addicted...

I'm not too much of a fan of J.Lo's music, a few of her songs maybe, but I love her new song "Get Right". It's addicting, I have it on repeat in my room, in my car, in my computer, and have yet to get tired of listening to it. I think she's a great actress, she makes up there where she lacks in music, I just hope her new CD Rebirth is as good as this song, unlike her last 3 CDs which I have only had a few selected songs that were decent, almost Hit worthy...

anyways, I was watching the reruns of The Real World, I rarely get to watch it, and one episode with Shavonda and Karamo really caught my interest. They were on the race issue...again, and it kind of hit home. Shavonda said she was brought up to not see color, and how she was tormented when she was in school because the black kids would say she would "act white". I went through the exact same thing. I was an army brat, born in Germany but lived all over. When my parents divorced my mom settled us down in Aurora, Colorado. It was a pretty diverse community, and my mom, having been born and raised in New Orleans, sheltered us pretty much. I've neve experienved racism, never been called a nigger. I had white, hispanic,asian and black friends, and it never dawned on me to see people for what color they were. It was never an issue to me until I moved down here in the middle of my seventh grade year. I attended Fannie C. Williams for one year, and I have to say it was probably the worst year of my life. The kids there were awful, ignorant,loud, stupid kids, and I use to resent my mother for moving us down here. The kids use to say I "act/talk white", not sure how possible it is to do either. People still say that, it doesn't bother me anymore, but it did then. They didn't know me, where I came from or what I've been through, they judged me based on how I dressed, the way I spoke correct english, and the way I carried myself. After I left and my mom put me in St.Mary's Academy, and I still faced the same self-hatred there, but by then, I had learned not to tolerate it, and ignore the ignorant comments, or better yet, to say something to make them feel smaller than what they already felt. A lot of people thought I was a stuck up bitch when I was there, and I guess I am in a way, but that's only because I don't tolerate or let anyone get the best of me. Race is not an issue to me, I accept people for who they are, not what color their skin is, so if you're racist or ignorant, then that's who you are. As long as I am happy with myself, then that's all that matter. I don't feel I should have to live up to anyone else's expectations but my own, if you don't like me, that's your problem. I don't live to make anyone happy but myself.

A bad day...

My friends tease me that I change schools like I do underwear, which isn't the case, everyone's situation is different, I just didn't care enough to give them the re-run of why I am switching schools...again...when drama tends to go on, it's long and extensive and tends to be drawn out, so I hate telling stories. But anyways, I am attending Delgado for this semester because of financial reasons... it was a last minute decision because I was going to stay at Dillard...but they've gone up on tuition, and well, why pay damn near six thousands dollars per semester at a private institution when I can pay seven hundred and get the same freakin education...Sure I could have stayed and put a strain on mother, but I think I've personally been a burden since well, as long as I can remember, and I hate people to do anything for me. Atleast if I go to Delgado she won't be shelving any money out, last thing in the world I need is to break down and ask my mom for money,unless I am desperate, but that's another story for another day. But back to the story, it was a last minute decision, and I put in the application right before the deadline. I was giving a provisional admission, which means I was accepted, I just needed to get my transcripts from Dillard. I should have known right away something wasn't right when they scheduled me to register. I was expecting to get an advisor and someone to help me with the process, I know how the system works, but everyone gets an advisor. So needless to say, the day of registration for incoming/transferring students was held in the library, only I wasn't assigned an advisor. I assumed I get one later from someone in my major department. So I made my schedule, it was flexible and easy, and then I let this supposed guy who "knew" what he was doing enter my information in the computer. Two classes that I signed up for were full, so he gave me this sheet to over-ride the classes, and I'm like, is this really worth it. What I didn't know from looking at the course catalog was that one of the classes I needed to over-ride was equivalent to a math class I had taken already at Dillard, I later found this out today when I had to RE-REGISTER. My intial thought was wtf, but oh well. So after the draining process of registration, I went home. This was November 19th, the deadline that my application needed to be sent it by. On November 29th, I came back to turn in my financial aid stuff. Well, needless to say, I didn't hear from them until Jan.12th,letting my know that my schedule had been deleted because I "failed to pay 25 % of my tuition by Jan.7th". First of all, I called 3 times to find out about my award letter, they told me two different dates in which to call back because it had yet to be posted. Now dealing with black people, I hate to say, they don't get shit done. I said fuck the dumb shit, I'm going to the school. So of course it was crowded, and after standing damn near an hour in the financial aid line *not my fault seeing as how they had 2 other lines but didn't put up notices to let you know what line was for what*, I come to a lady with a serious attitude. She put my social into the computer, and whoa and behold, my shit was never processed, and they never "received" my information. I whipped out the "receit" that they gave me when I turned in the fincial aid stuff, and she sat there, somewhat lost, and shit to say. So anyways, she tells me, that I have to re-register in order to keep my classes,and still paying the damn 25% of my tuition. I think she had some sort of sick pleasure out of telling me this, but she failed to realize, I am my mother's daughter, a fiesty DeGruy at that. So, as calmly as I can, which is hard because I'm about to let the black in me take over and get ignorant with this dumb broad, I tell her that I was never notified about my financial aid, and I called 3 times to find out my award letter and each time they said it not been posted. She said in a nasty way, eventho I have the receit, I did not turn in my financial aid application in time anyway, it had a November 29th stamped and it should have been turned in by November 12th. So that pissed me off even more because I never received a notice regarding that day. I told her I was a transferring student, and I didn't even turn in my application until November 12th. This was not her problem she plainly stated. So I got loud, I admit, and told her it didn't make fucking sense for the financial aid application to be turned in before the fucking admissions application, and that I am being penalized because of their incompentent staff. She sort of looked at me in this funny way, and I knew she was biting her tongue, so she said she would process my application anyway. I'm like whatever, fuck Delgado, I'm not coming here, I will sit out a semester if I have to. So I call my mother and tell her what happened, and she's like hold on, she's calling the financial aid office on 3-way. The line is busy of course, and I'm like whatever. She asks me what am I going to do, and I'm irritated and angry at this point, so I'm like, I'll just sit out this semester. So I get off the phone with her, and she calls back and tells me she just talked to the people, and of course she has that fiestiness I inherited, she too got ignorant with those damn people. She said she would come with me later that day to the finacial aid office and to re-register for classes, I'm like whatever dude, I'm going home and going to sleep. I know I should be greatful that my mom is going to talk to those people, because she doesn't want me to get lazy and not finish school. She fixed everything in the end, but not without a lot of loud shouting and a few choice words. So I'm registered...again to start classes next Wednesday.

A few things on my mind

My New Year's Resolutions (8 days late)
1. Stick to The Resolution List
2. Get my credit card back to 0.00 balance *it's maxed out at $551.93*
3. Demote a few people who I consider friends back to their original state of "Associates"
4. Possibly get back into my jeans, going from a freakin 11 back to 7
5. Stop eating bad foods that prevent me from getting back into a size 7
6. Spend more time with my great-grandmother
7. Make an attempt to practice Celibacy, I don't think I'd get to far with that...But I'll try
8. Open up a savings account, money stays in my possession like water in a hand...
9. Try and keep in touch with people that think I am avoiding them...
10. Return phone calls
11. Schedule the operation to have my teeth removed so I can continue my treatment with my braces...I have very low tolerance for pain, call me chicken shit if you must!
12. Get my ears pierced...again
13. Get my 4th and final tattoo
14. Maintain my 3.5 GPA
15. Clean out my room, I am such a pack rat...
16.Start going to church again.
*I will most likely accomplish 15 out of the 16 resolutions*

Jerrod
Really, where can I start with him? He's a great guy, he's nice, he's adorable, creative, honest, smart, goal oriented. I enjoy spending my time with him, when we hang out, or go on dates, it's always fun. I actually look forward to talking to him at 9 in the morning, or when I see him at work I start blushing like a little girl. But at the moment, I can't bring myself to be in a relationship with him, the timing isn't right for me. And that sux ass, because he's someone I can see myself with.


Then there's Donald...
That's more of a "To be continued..." type story

The closing chapter of James

I think when it comes to long term relationships, I have bad luck. It's at the point I am continuously reminded why I am alone, not so much why I am alone, but why I choose to be alone...there, that's worded better. First Aaron, 2 and half years of my life spent with him, and that took a turn for the worst in 2003. Then there was James, who I dated while on the rebound. I am fault for that, I never gave myself time to heal from the previous relationship. So I used James for convenience, to fill up that empty void... but he eventually grew on me. On and off for 12 months was spent with him, and it's to the point now where I just want to hurt him when I think about him. Our break up was gradual, it was inevitable, and maybe subconsciously I knew this but was in denial. It's funny how we tend to stay in toxic relationships, relationships that tear us down and wear us out, spending more time sad than happy. And no matter how hard you try and tear away from that kind of environment, it seems that you can't let go, giving yourself the bullshit excuse "well maybe he'll change this time". That's my personal experience anyway. I feel like shit right now because I do care about him, but I know in the long run it will only be for the best. I'm starting off a new year with new resolutions, and my first resolution is to follow the rest of my resolutions...the closing chapter of James can only be good for me, because our situation couldn't have gotten much worse.