It's funny that I can have things so together, things so planned out, for everything to come falling down like a bunch of building blocks. I forget how I can easily block out pain, become numb to the effect it has on me. When people get close to me, I push them away. I thought I had stopped, but I haven't. I block people out, like I do pain. I don't think I've ever learned to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and for that I feel like a fraud. I put up this front like no one can hurt me, and when someone actually does hurt me, in any kind of way, I block it out.

My mom wants me to leave the state and go stay with my aunt in L.A. But I don't know if I can, I'm terrified of leaving everything I know behind just to find myself. My mom thinks I'm in this endless cycle, she thinks I'm stressed over my job, stressed over school ( I mean, I have transferred twice already), I think her biggest fear is that I'll end up doing nothing. I'm scared to death to leave, but, it's almost intriguing. Leaving would allow me to start over somewhere else, to finally just grow. I don't know, it's just a lot to consider.