Mother Doesn't Always Know What's Best

It's no secret that my mom is crazy. I've seen her do things and just wonder why? What goes through your head when you yell at me about something you didn't do right? Why is it so hard to apologize when you know you're wrong? My mom is an emotional person, and she wears her emotions on her sleeve (did I say that right?). So I thought that when I MOVED OUT of her house, all the drama would end there. NO! It does not. But I do know this, I don't have to answer the phone when she calls or answer the door when she knocks, because I am no longer living under her roof. My mom could cut me off completely if she wanted to because she's crazy, and I wouldn't have a problem with it. Growing up in my home wasn't a piece of cake; my idea of walking on egg shells around an unstable person isn't my idea of fun. Some people might view it as disrespectful or defiant, but it's anything but. In some ways I raised myself, and my mom had a lot to do with that. I can blame my independence on her honestly. So it's no wonder why I won't let anyone bring me down, treat me any kind of way. And that's the way it is. So when she called earlier blowing on me it was the last straw in a sense. I'm 21, not 12. I guess people think that when you're a parental unit, using that tone is a way to intimidate a child. But guess what, I'm not a child. I can think for myself, fend for myself. And it's been that way since I was 16. My dad told me once, that when you start to think for yourself, you become the enemy. He said that about my mother. I don't like choosing sides, but he's right. Ever since I became of age, it's been on struggling battle after another: you don't do this right, you don't do that right, you're lazy, you don't take initiative, if you don't like it you can leave. So I did (and it only took Katrina). But even that isn't enough.

The New Year

A New Year's resolution is in order for everyone; I don't know anyone that hasn't made one. I made one last year, and didn't follow through with anything I set out for myself, except eliminate my credit card debt. Looking back on it now, it was somewhat pointless. Why wait for a new year to change something in your life that you feel needs to be changed? Why not do it when you realize there's something in your life you need to change? From now, if I see something wrong, or something I don't like, I'll change it then, not wait around for the new year to lose that 10 pounds, or start going to church more.

A Not So White Christmas

I've been in Colorado for almost a week and half, and it snowed once...ONCE PEOPLE! WTF? I was expecting a white Christmas...it feels like New Orleans outside without the humidity...which isn't that bad. But what's the point of living in the mountains without snow?

I keep seeing these little signs everywhere, advertisments; I don't pay much attention to the product, just the phrase: It's starting to feel a lot like Christmas. MY ASS. Tell that to the 1 million people who had to evacuate four months ago who are trying to get their lives back on track, tell that to the people who have to start all over from scratch, tell that to my mom who is crying everyday because she can't go back. I can't help but feel so lost sometimes, like I don't know where to go, what I should be doing. It just sucks. I thought I knew for sure coming to Colorado would be the right decision...now, I just don't know. It feels like we evacuated all over again, I just had an apartment waiting for me :). That's the only positive thing that's come out of all of this, I finally got my own place. But I'd give it back if I could go back home; I'd do anything to be rid of the overwhelming sadness that comes over me when I lay in bed awake at night, often bringing me on the verge of tears. Christmas this year sucks, but Happy Holidays to everyone anyway.

Why?

Why do we continue to let people hurt us, knowing what they're capable of? Why do we continue down the endless cycle of self-destruction when we know exactly what the outcome is? Why do we let people tear us down and belittle us when we know we're worth more? Why do we allow people to take advantage of our kindness, knowing that you can't change people, only people can change themselves? I've thought this over time and time again, I guess I have more sense than some people. I won't tolerate anyone treating me bad, I won't stand for people who are only about self. Life is an ever-changing experience, everything happens for a reason I believe. And with that change comes a new outlook, another aspect of life for us to experience as an individual. So why is that people seem to be stuck in one place, even when they have the opportunity to do something different, to change something about themselves or a situation? Why does Miki allow herself to get caught up in the same BS when she knows what is going to happen, or how about Mannie who seeks any kind of companionship and still gets burned everytime. How about Dee who knows that his relationship is on the verge of unavoidable destruction each and everytime his spoiled brat of a girlfriend gets angry? Why does the X who suffers from low self-esteem only get her hopes up everytime she sends him a text message only to be shot down miserably? Sometimes I think that in certain situations, people don't hurt people, people hurt themselves. We know how unreliable and selfish people can be, and yet we set ourselves up to be disappointed, thinking that maybe you can change him/her if you loved more, did more, gave more. Why?

My relationship isn't always bliss...

and just because I never post about all the arguments (and there are a lot) doesn't mean they don't exist. I won't lie, we fight like cats and dogs through out most of the day, slammed doors, all in your face, "It's over I hate you!" kinda fights. Our relationship isn't always perfect. I think we fight more now than before because we've been together for almost 4 months straight. After awhile we start to get on eachother's nerves. But I think it's healthy to have a few arguments, I mean, who wants to be with someone they never fight with, and when a fight actually starts there's that uncomfortable awkwardness of not knowing what to say or should apologize first. The first argument we got into was one I won't forget. He repeated something to someone that should have been left alone, and that someone just walked up to me and repeated what he said. I was furious with him, not because of what he said, but because it was like throwing salt into an open wound that was trying to close. It's kind of hard to move on from something when someone is constantly reminding you. We eventually got past it, but not before I gave him a few choice words. Then there was the fight earlier. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but my boyfriend can be a real $@#$@!$ sometimes. Yes, he can be a jerk, a moody jerk at that. He gets upset with me because I guess I'm not a mind reader, like I'm suppose to understand him all the time. He misplaced his birth certificate, and needs it to get a new license. He was suppose to go to the DMV earlier, asked me to Mapquest it out for him, write down the directions. When I gave it to him, he called them to find out what exactly he needed for a new license (as if he didn't know before). Turns out the "COPY" of his certificate is no good, DUH! When I kindly reminded him that he needed the original, he nearly blew on me. I'm like Whoa! Hold up...wait a minute, wtf you talking to like that. So then we started arguing over that, and it's kinda funny because arguments like those usually turn into something else like why the dogs can't sleep in the bed with us and who took out what dog earlier and I prefer that the dishes be washed off before their put in the dishwasher and so forth. It's just little things like that. So I informed him that he has to request a new birth certificate, and that it'll take like a month just for him to get it. He gets frustrated about that and decides to go by Kenny (my mom's boyfriend) because he needed to "get out". So here I am writing about our fights. I'm sure when he comes home he'll be a much better mood because he was able to smoke without hearing me bitch about it.

Incredibly bored...

Not much to do now, I don't have a job (yet), and I still haven't registered for school (yet). Turns out FEMA really is going to end up f'ing over people in a few months, so now I have to look for a job sooner than later. It's kinda funny though, when I seemed to need money when I didn't have any it's like a miracle came in a small form of insurance money I thought I would never receive (the accident happened last summer in 04'). My lawyer sent the money Saturday night so I guess I'll see it Monday morning. Hopefully, because I need to open up a new checking account because they don't have any Hibernia NATIONAL Banks in Colorado...in fact, they only have Hibernia banks in Louisiana and Texas...some one please explain to me how it's a national bank in only two states? Anyway...I'm out of my mother's house and she still drives me crazy. She showed up unannounced (note I have no problem with her coming over, but we were asleep, and it would have been nice if she had called so I could have been up and dressed) and then had the nerve to start complaining about anything and everything. He and I just bought a new computer, a better upgrade than what she has, and all of a sudden, her crappy computer starts malfunctioning i.e. disc drive won't read the disc, computer is slow as hell, that sort of thing. So she's more than welcome enough to use mine. But I think that SHE THINKS that I had something to do with her computer failing (let's not forget that the computer sat in our house in New Orleans for a month straight without any daily updates so when it finally did hook up to the i-net anything and everything that could attack our computer did because the Virus scan and Firewall were both out of date, therefore I had to buy another one so HER computer would be protected). It wasn't a very nice conversation to have especially since she hung up on me, so when she showed up there was still some tension in the air.

I LOVE my new apartment...I can't stress enough how happy I am! Ok well maybe I can. He and I are just finishing unpacking everything, we still need to get a few things for the house i.e. vacuum cleaner, patio chairs, but here are a few pics to show off :D

So where do I begin?

I'll call her Miki. I've known her for awhile, she seems really down to earth, but kinda desperate for the attention and the approval of a guy. I know I know, you live and learn. But doesn't it ever come to a point when you realize you're in an endless cycle of self destruction? I mean, there's only so much I can tell a person, the rest is left up to them. But shouldn't Miki see the pattern? Miki will date a guy, have sex with him, get attached, and when he leaves her she'll be heart broken. She obviously has very low self-esteem. I just wish she could sense her self-worth, love herself; she's a great girl who will make a guy really happy oneday. So what does a person like her do in such a tricky situation? I don't see her stopping anytime soon, which is dangerous because by the time she realizes what she's doing, she might've already gotten pregnant or caught something. I won't give up on her though, I just hope that eventually my words will eventually sink in.

Is it so wrong?

At first when it happened, that was all anyone could talk about. 3 months later, it still occupies the thoughts of people day in and day out. My mom happens to be one of those people. Any chance she gets, she talks about Katrina, shows off her pictures of the house after Katrina. Of course my sister's and I think to ourselves, why God is she doing this again? At Thanksgiving dinner she brought the pictures, I gave her an earful about it, no one wants to talk about it right now, no one wants to be reminded of why we're in Las Vegas in the first place when we should be at Aunt Joan's. We just want to put it behind us and move on, I no longer want to be seen as a victim, it happened, time to move on with our lives. My mom is stuck in one place...and she isn't budging. I don't know, maybe because we aren't from New Orleans we don't have that certain attachment, my sister's and I didn't plan on staying after college...

She's made up her mind, come January she and Amber and even Twinkie are moving back to New Orleans. I can understand that's her home, that's where she wants to be, and she'd be happier in New Orleans before she'd be happy in Colorado. But I don't understand why once again she would want to split the family up. There is nothing to be gained from going back to New Orleans right now, her family and friends aren't there, she won't be able to live in her house. Amber will have to go to Ben Franklin, something she's done her best to avoid. She'll also have to pay rent (double the usual price) and pay her mortgage on the house. The logical thing would be to go to Colorado until everything resolves with the insurance company and then to decide from there. But she's indecisive, and if she feels this is the right decision for her, then I support her. I just won't move back with her.

Main Entry: hap·pi·ness
Pronunciation: 'ha-pi-n&s
Function: noun
1 obsolete : good fortune : PROSPERITY
2 a : a state of well-being and contentment : JOY
b : a pleasurable or satisfying experience

Sometimes I think back to times when I was with other people who contributed to the person I am today, and while the list is extensive, I'm writing about people I've had relationships with. None of my past relationships fulfilled or satisfied me. But they did teach me more about myself, who I am and what I want. They made me realize what I was worth, that I truly deserve someone who is going to love me unconditionally, be my backbone if need be. I can honestly say that those relationships never made me happy, what I had was a temporary feeling which was usually taken over by doubt and uncertainty. I was never truly happy with any of my boyfriends until I met him. He too has been scarred by people he once cared about, and I think we found within eachother some kind of medium, we restored eachother's faith by trusting one another. And I can say we truly make eachother happy.

So what am I good for you ask?

So not to toot my own horn, or blow my own whistle...or however the saying goes, I am a damn good friend. I'm there for my friends whenever, wherever they need me. I think it's amazing how much advice I give out daily...I could start my own advice column...

other than that, I'm a damn good girlfriend too :D