Refreshed

Last year around this time, I was focusing on my life and what I wanted out of it. I was making plans, setting goals and doing what I needed to achieve each and every single one. Now, when I wake up everyday and wash my face and brush my teeth, I look how far I've strayed from my original path. Since Katrina I've wandered around like a lost puppy, unsure what to do next. I felt like my life was on pause and God had the remote control that could press the play button anytime He wanted. I know in life our strengths are tested, see what we will sacrifice and what we will gain. I've lost many of things in my life, but never would I imagine losing my home and my way of life. I never thought I felt I would be stuck in one place. I think about what I've lost, what I've accomplished. And yet deep down when I thought I couldn't go on, I knew there was still hope to put the pieces of my life back together. It may take longer than what I want, my plans still delayed. And what I've realized is that life is about challenges and overcoming them. I now have a new respect for life. I find things I would have never thought to be important relevant to my future. I no longer take anything for granted because in an isntant it can be taken from you without warning.

If it happens once, shame on you, if it happens again, shame on me

I'm going through my phone and deleting people I don't talk to, and I come across a few people I haven't spoken to in so long. It's a wonder those numbers are still in my phone because I cut off all contact with them so long ago. Most people would probably consider me to be a bitch because I'm so nonchalant when it comes to just cutting people off. I don't do it to be mean, but once a person has crossed me in any kind of way, it's hard to gain my trust again. I don't have many female friends as is (and my number of male friends outweighs them greatly) because I find females to be petty and catty, and since I don't care to entertain either, I only have a few select girls that are like my sisters. Now guys are different. I'm cool with a lot of guys, unless we were romantically involved at one point then I put a distance between myself and them, simply because there's a boundary I won't cross. Dealing with an X is complicated, I mean, there's a reason why we aren't together now. But back to what I was saying. There's a reason why I don't hesitate to just stop talking to someone. I find people to be dishonest and truly disgusting sometimes, and when I say disgusting, I don't mean in a gross manner. Some people are capable of doing some shady things, and I want no part of that. I'm at an age where I'm tired of the bullshit and the games that come along with befriending a person, whether male or female. I'm tired of having to wonder if that person is toxic, if that person will try to manipulate and use me. I would love to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but, because of a few lessons I've learned in life, majority of the time people don't even deserve it. So trusting doesn't come easily, and if you lose my trust, gaining it back is damn near impossible.

The Quarter-Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start wondering where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it, and we are all in this together. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and help heal and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's hearts. We are the group who will always call on birthdays and laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. We are a group that talks trash about the same people we call to meet up with on a Friday night, but we are sorry about it and we know that they know that we were just being insecure like they have been. We are friends and in 10 years, when we have figured out where we fit in in this world, we will still be friends

So I thought I'd just update

So, in case y'all didn't know, I've found a place in New Orleans, and we're expected to move back by the end of the month. It's funny, I kept praying and praying, and the night before we got the place I just asked God to please let us get back home soon, and sure enough, things fell into place with a simple phone call to Brad (my new landlord). We'll be moving back to the east, I'm not complaining, it's home, I'm just a little nervous being in that area without majority of the residents. I'm not sure how the crime is looking in that area, but Brad said he would install a security system, and since my boyfriend will be gun training or doing whatever at the gun range there'll be a gun in the house. He said he would take me with him a few times a week when he goes to get his license, I'm not to thrilled about guns but hey, if it'll protect me from some ignorant ass nigga tryin to loot my shit, I'll shoot without a second thought. I also have a job interview when I get back, so HOPEFULLY I'll have a job in a matter of weeks because I am so broke, and I mean literally broke. I have a total of $600 and some change to my name (how sad is that!) But anyway, I'm about go back to eating sweets and junk food (PMS is a bitch).

And you're still talking to me why?

I think it's kinda sad that some "people" have to sneak around to talk to me because their significant other doesn't want them talking to me. It's rather silly when you're rushing off the phone because ol girl is coming into the room, or if she's calling and you tell me you'll call back in a few days when she isn't around. LOL so my question is why are you still talking to me? Or better yet, how SHE deletes my number out of YOUR phone and then you go back to save it under a boy's name, deletes my screen name and you create another just to talk to me. LOL I swear it's not that serious. I would think you would have more respect for your girl and just stop talking to me altogether, I'm sure OUR conversations AREN'T that interesting. I never did understand why guys would talk to insecure jealous girls in the first place, but it must be something about them and something about me to keep both of us around. But then again, it might just be the case of "Have your cake and eat it too" sydrome which is something most guys suffer from. I instead find myself avoiding phone calls and instant messages from certain people because I know they're only talking to me because girlfriends/wives aren't around and I assume our conversation is worth losing their relationship over. And I am not a homewrecker. Or maybe it's because they aren't man enough to tell those girlfriends/wives they have nothing to worry about so their insecurity is not necessary and it is ok to have just friends.

Vacation from Hell

So a family vacation is suppose to be fun and relaxing and all that good stuff. I would think a week long in Florida would ease my stress level and just give me time to forget about everything else that isn't going right. So not the case. You can always expect drama to follow us anywhere and everywhere...and it never ends. It could be possibly because there were 12 people total in the group, consisting of 3 different familes, 2 condos and even 3 rental cars. We had passes for all the parks all week, lovely restaraunts and shopping galore! But of course day 1 drama breaks out and as soon as we land I'm already wishing I was back in my own apartment not having to deal with my family and the other 2 families that came along with us. But I guess that's what you get when you have 12 people with 12 aggressive personalities that just seem to clash for no apparent reason. It was one thing after another every single day and I wish not go through the experience ever again. So I say once again I am so glad to be home.

I leave for Florida in less than 4 hours and I have yet to go to sleep. I'm not really tired, and I know the flight will be long as hell, so I plan on sleeping on the flight. I decided to pamper myself and actually get my eyebrows waxed (Lord knew I needed it). I brought along a picture so she could have an idea of what I wanted. They came out nice, a little thicker than what I'm use to, but atleast it ain't all crooked and lopsided when the last 3 girls did it. As fas as the apartment search...it's still going on. I'm quited disappointed with the first apartment, and has set precedent for the rest because of those outrageous application fees (I've already spent $105 and was denied...) Money does not grow on trees so I have to be very careful about the places I apply for, otherwise the little money I do have let won't cover the damn deposit. My aunt said she would help...but, I hate to rely on anyone to do anything for me, just the way I am I guess. Gerald told me about this place he worked on, and said he would get the contact information for me, so hopefully he'll come through with that. I'm so anxious to be home right now it's not even funny. I think when I come back from Florida it'll sink in that I won't be going back to New Orleans soon after liked planned. My mom of course is trying to talk me out of leaving (she doesn't want me out there by myself without her) and instead is driving me to want to leave more. I don't know if this place is growing on her, but each and every day I go outside I grow to hate it even more. It's almost sickening to a point. So I stay in the house all day except to take the dog out. Oh yeah, to reply to LB, I know exactly how you feel about the results, I got a pap smear Aug. 26th, 2005 and never got my results back either. I'm not sure what the procedure was then for your biospy, but my doc numbed me a lil bit so it didn't hurt as much, but don't put something like that off especially if you've waited almost a whole year...hopefully everything is ok and intact, I know it's not the most comfortable experience but when all is said and done, atleast you get to put it off for another 3 months...

So I've been denied twice...for the same apartment(My mom was denied first, then the Property manager said I was approved but needed someone else's income). At first, I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but when Donald was denied because he has "unfavorable" credit", my first thought are these mother fuckers are racist (He damn near has better credit than I do). Sure, this is my first real apartment, and I may have been a little naive...but, I'm not stupid. My thing is that the city is dead, there aren't many people and you would think they would want the city to thrive again like it was. So how do you make it so difficult to come back by gouging on the rent or having such strict rules that only few (and literally few) can apply. I'll tell you why...because they don't want New Orleans to become The Chocolate City, they want New Orleans to become White Haven. And it pisses me off. Why didn't New Orleans do what Florida did after they were hit time and time again by hurricanes by passing laws forbidding people to go up on the rent? I voted for Nagin so hopefully he doesn't disappoint...again. He needs to put an end to the gouging and try and find a way for the citizens scattered across the U.S. to come back, and I don't just mean that damn buy out plan; not everyone in New Orleans are homeowners. So what is a girl to do? Hopefully I won't be spending my summer out here...but if I need to, then I'll just have to suck it up and be a man about it.


Oh yeah, the biospy wasn't as bad as I thought, but it left me feeling extremely violated and crampy, eventho I had already taken a vicodin earlier that day. So yeah Miss LB, you are a bigger man than me because I still cried like a baby LOL

So I'm not sure is worse...having a biospy done, or having a giant pimple on your face the day of your wedding...I'm going to go with the biospy because that's what I have to have done. My annual pap results came back abnormal...STD results came back normal. So what could it be possibly? Hell if I know, I dropped pre-med after a year and if I had continued it, gynecology would have not been my field. I'm semi-nervous to say the least, my doctor says first they'll look at my cervix through a microscope, and after that, if they find any "abnormal" cells, then they'll do the biospy, so I am praying that I don't have to have that done because I heard it hurts...as would any scraping or snipping of something that you can barely get to yourself. But enough of about that. I'm going to bed so I won't feel half as nauseated as I will feel in the morning.

So as you may all know, my trip to N.O. was last week, and as I've stated before, that trip would determine whether or not my mom would be moving back this summer. Well, after much consideration and thought *or lack there of* she has decided to not move back this summer, but she will HELP ME move back. I had already decided before we came that if she wasn't coming back, I would without her. I've gotten tired of the indecisiveness, the up and down of the situation...staying here, going back, what to do what to do. It drove me everyday that she would change her mind about what she wanted to do, telling me one thing and then another. So instead of getting my hopes up based on her decision, I said fuck it, I'll move back without my family, there's no way in hell I'll make it out here for the summer. So I put in an application for this apartment by Xavier and I'm waiting to be approved. It's not bad for the price they want, I'm just worried about living in the ghetto, but hey, beggers can't be choosers. Amazingly, the 9 day seperation before the hubby and I has actually brought us closer. I missed him so much when I was away and I couldn't wait to go home and be with him. Corny, I know. But I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. He actually cleaned up before I got home (and if you know my boyfriend, that's a very sweet gesture because he never cleans up on his own!). But it's late, and I'm sleepy, so maybe I'll update a little later with details of my trip home.

I know I've neglecting this blog...

and I have a few posts, more serious posts that I need to finish. I'm not even sure why I resorted to writing in my myspace blog. Most of the journals I already have written down or saved as a draft are really angry posts, and I decided not to share some of those because it's just a reminded of how angry I've become over the past year. I will say I feel my relationships with my family are slowly changing. I find myself avoiding my sisters because I find one incredibly selfish, and the other an outright bitch. Whitney has dropped the news on the family that's she moving in with her boyfriend of 3 months. Keep in mind my sister is only 19. My mom is already stressed out because of the insurance company and then moving back to nothing. My mom is so pissed about it, but not much she can do except cut her off financially. Now, the deal with Whitney COULD HAVE BEEN is that she remains at CSU, and stay at the dorms instead of the apartments she was living in so the cost for housing wouldn't be so high. BUT NO. WHITNEY is not easily satisfied apparently, and decides to go to the community college in Colorado Springs. But again, instead of staying in the rooms they offer there, she decides to get an apartment...with her boyfriend. You would think she would use better judgement, but Whitney is not the brightest tool in the shed, and I say that with love. My mom has already expressed her opinion on the subject, and all that has done is basically created a rift in their relationship. So my mom doesn't say anything else. Whitney is on her own, and if she and her boyfriend break up (he is the bread winner here because he has a stable job with the Armed Forces), she will be on her own...literally. Then there's Amber. If there was a word for spoiled, it would be her name. Lately she's had this nasty attitude where if Amber doesn't get her way, Amber doesn't want to play. I've never seen anyone who has everything be so ugly. I hate the way she talks to my mom and the way she treats our family. She says inappropriate things that would cause someone to slap the teeth out of her mouth. But my mom instead throws money at her so she doesn't have to deal with her attitude. Personally, I'll tell my sister to go fuck herself and have a nice day because I'm at point where I don't care. What comes around goes around, and the upside of having my own place is that I don't have to deal with her on a daily basis. If she calls, I don't have to answer the phone, if she says one thing to me that offends me, all I have to do is tell her to get the hell out of my house and find a way home. That's how bad it has gotten with my relationship with her. My mom is a different story. My mom is is starting to piss me off because she feels that because I have so much idle time on my hands, I should find something to do-like her homework. I mean, it was bad enough I had my own shit to take care of, and then she drops her homework and her term paper on me. (Why not have your spoiled child do it for you, after all, she does owe you for allowing her to have a kitten) Why you ask? Because she has other things to take care of on a daily basis. My response, drop the fucking class then. I'm not going to earn your degree for you, it's not fair to ask me to do your term paper or chapters of your homework when I have my own school work to worry about. I've tutored her in math, in accounting, and english...that's the help I've given her.But instead of asking me, she throws her assignments at me, WTF are you thinking!?

OK...rant over

As my trip to New Orleans draws near, I find myself getting nervous. My mother has informed me this trip will decide if we will be moving back this summer. And I am so hoping that nothing goes wrong, because we already know the city is in shambles. We turned in our ballots last week, all of us who could vote voted for Watson. Personally I don't think Nagin is doing enough for our city, and what is being done is irrelevant at this point, in my opinion anyway. So I'm hoping that while we're down there, my mom will see a reason to come back. The only upside to getting out of Colorado is that I will be gone for most of the month of May. When we get back to Colorado, we hop on a flight the same day to California for my cousin Quynn's graduation from med school, and then after that Florida for a long over due family vacation. So it will be a busy busy month, and I'll have pictures to share.

Anon

To the real Anon:You must have misunderstood. See, I know very well that a storm did wipe out the first floor of my house,simply because water sat down there for 21 days, however, it could have been rebuilt by tearing down the walls and rebuilding from there. You must not be aware that the flood maps came out last week( provided by FEMA who waited damn near 5 months to get them out so people can decide what they wanted to do, so THANX TO FEMA and their BS 3 feet needed to raise my home when my house is already 5 feet below sea level), and everything in my area must be torn down to be rebuilt, otherwise you will not get flood insurance. And since you've made such a smart ass comment, you might want to know it cost a lot $$MORE$$ to tear down than to rebuild, so next time, say something with a little more substance.

To Lady.Bug, you're comments are always appreciated, and thanks for the support :)

Back to Reality

I've come to grips that I will have to start over elsewhere. Going back home is not really an option at this point, thanks to FEMA and I've accepted that. As much as I would love to return home, I've realized there is nothing to return to. My house will have to be torn down to be rebuilt, and there is no guarantee that something of this magnitude won't happen again. This ordeal has tested my strength in more ways than one, and at one point in time I faltered. I felt as though I couldn't go on, couldn't live my life like I thought it should have been. I went through a few pages of the diary I write in, and I was so badly off. I couldn't believe what I was reading was what I wrote; I couldn't believe I was THAT person. I've never been at such a low point in life; I've always been able to pick myself back up and fix the broken pieces in my life, and for once, I couldn't. I guess that makes me human. I'm still trying to "bounce back", but it's not easy. There are days when I still feel the need to cry, but I do it less now. Life is and always will be an ever learning experience, and what I've learned is that in this crisis is how fortunate I am to even be alive, to be able to live my life.

So I've realized...

my life isn't all that interesting enough to blog about it. That's horrible I know. But in other disappointing news, my mom tells me don't be upset if we can't move back in June. And at first I THOUGHT I didn't hear her, but when she repeated herself, my heart just kinda dropped. So much for an eventful summer right? It really sucks cuz I had already started planning out the year and started applying for jobs down there and had my school schedule all set up to where I could graduate next year. I try not to think about how depressing it is, just because everytime I do I get upset with my mom because she's use to the good living. I'm like whatever, sell yourself out for a few shopping centers, but that's just the brat in me talking. If I have a chance to go out there by myself I will. I don't have the funds for it right now, but when I do I won't rely on my mother's indecisive mind that will make you or break you.

A Family Outing at Bayou Bob's

So the family and I (including the boyfriend and Kenny-my mom's boyfriend, or man friend who also paid for the $130 tab) went to this knock off New Orleans restaurant called Bayou Bob's. And everything was so gooooooood, it almost felt like home (even the service was kinda crappy). We each had something different so we could sample eachother's food LOL, crawfish was good, the po boy was good, hell, even the GUMBO was good. It was just nice to be with my family, and eat really good food. We spent most of the time just laughing and joking, especially at people trying to eat crawfish (they didn't suck the heads and were trying to suck the meat out of the tail LMAO).

Update

The hubby and I have decided to try and work things out as best as we can, taking things day by day. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Uhhhh

Last night was the first night in months where I slept the whole night through, from 10 at night to 7 this morning (and I was able to do it without the help of Xanax). For the past couple of weeks my sleeping patterns have gone from bad to worst, staying up till 6 in the morning and not waking until 4 in the afternoon. I'm feeling so refreshed today I might take the dog to the park and let her chase the ducks...again.

So I'm Really Guilty...

I'm guilty for having a moment of weaknes and letting someone take advantage of that. I'm guilty of not realizing how fortunate I am. I'm guilty of just giving up and not trying to make the best of a bad situation. I have so much going for me and so much potential that I just lost sight of things for awhile, all because I hate being here. I was acting like an ornery(sp?) brat. I know that sounds kinda bad, but my bout of depression (something I've never suffered from before) is probably a result of me just reacting to myself, if that even makes sense. I realize I just need to get myself together, and I'll do whatever is necessary to be whole again.

I've been debating about whether or not I should blog about my relationship, or what's left of it. For the past few months, it feels like my relationship has run its course. It was so good in the beginning, and then after Katrina, we started to push eachother away. I don't know why. Lately I've been feeling disconnected from him, we barely talk, show affection, and let's not talk about sex, or lack there of. It's gotten so bad I've thought over and over whether I should move back in with my mom, which wouldn't make sense since we're moving back in June. We haven't slept in the same bedroom in months. I can't help but feel so hopeless about us, I'm so tired of trying to make us work and not getting anything back. We fight about every little thing, money, who took the dog out, who unloaded the dish washer. It doesn't help that I'm depressed either. It just feels like everything is going wrong at the right time. When we try "talking", it becomes "you this" and " you that". I don't know what to do anymore. I care about him so much, but I wonder if it's in vain sometimes. I swear, if we break up, I won't be with another guy for a very long time.

Young Girls

I think it's sad to say that my sister has become a conformist of Young Girls Impressionable Inc. I think it's kind of sad that young girls are starting to emulate TV personalities who do nothing but say "That's hot" or teen queens who are shrinking away before our eyes. It's come to my attention that my sister has an eating disorder. I've always known that she's be cautious of her weight, she's never been a small girl. But I didn't think she had an eating disorder. A few days ago, after I expressed to her bestfriend that my sister is very picky about her weight, she goes on to tell that Amber has thrown up her food before to lose weight. I'm not sure on how to approach the situation, I don't want to upset her because she's a moody teenager as it is. I could tell my mom but my mom is one of those people that if it's not an oil change the car needs, she won't know what to do if the car broke down. I could team up with Whitney, but I don't really trust anything Whitney says because most of the time her head in is the clouds and knows a lot about nothing. I know that's horrible to say about my sister, but, she's quite the airhead at times, which makes me think she would be perfect for the black Paris Hilton if the opportunity arose. Which leaves me. I guess I'll just have to set her off, cuz she's going to get pissed either way.

Like the new background? I do!

So my mom made if official, we're moving back into my house June, hopefully no later than July. The house has been gutted out for the past couple of months, and they finally knocked down all the walls and now they're ready for phase 3...whatever that is lol. I'll assume is the last part to the rebuilding process. My sister isn't exactly happy about leaving, she feels that the opportunity to graduate early is way better than moving back now. I'm like to hell with that shit! Nigga what's the difference between January and May? 4 months? Big fucking deal. I call is the Last Child Syndrome. She's been so used to getting her way all the time since Whitney and I've moved that she literally throws tantrums. (Like the tantrum she threw when my mom told her she couldn't get a kitten, but then, after hearing it like everyday my mom finally caved in, and now she has a new cat that Twinkie and my mom hates) Keep in mind, she will be 17 August. You can't tell her otherwise, like most of my family, she set in her ways and her stubborness won't let her see beyond graduating early that my mom and I are unhappy here. The only reason she wants to graduate early is so that she can have a 7 month break from school. How lazy is that! Wait till she hears she won't get her old room back, it'll be mine muahahahahaha!!!!

You know what makes me mad?

POSERS! Do not advertise a service if you aren't competent enough to perform it! Simple as that! I can go to any nail shop in New Orleans and get my eyebrows waxed for 5 dollars, be in and out after 5 minutes! Aveda! You can not arch eyebrows! John Frieda! You can not arch eyebrows! And then after you f*ck them up more than what the previous salon did before, do not attempt to charge me $15 for a sloppy job! Have I found a decent place to even get my hair done? NO! Because I'm in White America! White lady with the bad dye job, don't tell me how your grand children are half and half, and that you "do" their hair from time to time, and my hair is similiar to theirs! Guess what, it's not! Aveda! Do not treat a black person's hair unless you know how to do so! Don't try and take my money after you attempt to blow dry my already DRY HAIR BECAUSE OF THE DRY CLIMATE. Don't OOOOOH and AAAAAH over the crappy job you did on my hair, because guess what, I tip, but I won't tip YOU! Sorry, I'm venting because my eyebrows are crooked and I had to have my sister flat iron my hair (something I am deeply against) because I can't find a decent hair dresser...So yes, I look hooked up.

I'm not one to talk too much about how unhappy I've become, one thing I wouldn't do is ever admit to anyone that I'm "probably" clinically depressed. At first I thought it might've been a phase that I went through, but given the current situation, I'm not sure how long this phase is suppose to last. That unhappiness turned into anxienty, anxious about one thing and another...you know the feeling when you hold in anything and just can't let it out? Yeah, that feeling, just all the time. My last anxiety attack if you could even call it one was Saturday when I just didn't show up for work. A half hour before I was suppose to work I began to get the feeling that I would explode. I've been feeling that way for some time now, and it just so overwhelming that I just didn't even go in-something I would never do. Any job I've worked has always been a priority, show up on time, call in if I'm going to be late, make sure my uniform is clean and pressed. That's just the type of person I am. So something so uncharacteristic of me was a warning sign that something is defintely wrong...warning signs I've ignored too long might I add. I'm not sure where to go from here, I don't know if seeing a doctor would help any, or being put on anti-depressants will stop me from crying all the time. My mother has been put on antidepressants and it doesn't seem like it's doing any good. She calls me everyday just to tell me how depressed she is, how the days seem to drag on and she can't even get out of bed sometimes. I know what she's going through, because that's the way I feel. I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but if so, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The familiar sound of my phone wakens me out of a deep sleep. It feels as though it's 5 in the morning, but when I look at the clock, it's only 10. I push myself out the bed to see who's causing "Hollaback Girl" to be hollering so loudly. I swear I need to get a new ring tone. I look around for my phone, and realize it's sitting in the candy dish on the coffee table. I look down at the phone, and in little bright letters "AARON" stands out. This is unusual, we usally only talk on the weekends, not ten in the morning. I hestitate before answering, and when I do, he hangs up. When the screen clears, it says "4 MISSED CALLS, 1 UNKNOWN". I think it might be an emergency, and see he's called 3 times, and some 504-561-0500 number, a New Orleans downtown number. So I call him back, and he answers in a whispered tone.

Aaron-Yeah, Quinn, I think Amber has been trying to call you. If she does, don't answer the phone, she has a 408 number.
::Thinks to myself, aren't we a little old for this childish behavior?::
Quinn-Why would she be calling me? How did she get my number?
Aaron-I don't know how she got your number, but she's trying to figure out who you are. If she calls, don't answer the phone ok?
Quinn-Fine whatever, I'm going back to sleep.

I hang up, and climb back into my warm bed. I start to doze off again when all of a sudden...
"Cause I ain't not hollaback girl" just blasts in my ear. I start cursing myself for leaving the ringer on. There goes that damn 504-561-0500 number again. I answer the phone anyway, only because I'm half alseep and I know I can easily curse out whoever without really caring in my sloth state anyway.

Unknown Chick-Hi, is Melissa there?
Me-No, you have the wrong number
Unknown Chick- Oh, ok, well, may I ask who I'm speaking with?
This red flash starts going off. Downtown New Orleans number, it can't be anyone I know of that's there at the moment except for the current students at Dillard staying at the Hilton. Damn.
Me- Oh wait, I get it now, the scam. You call and ask for some random person, and when I say wrong number, you try and get me to say my name. Either you aren't that bright or you think I'm stupid.
I hang up. Of course, Amber knew I wouldn't answer some 408 number, so she called from a local number in New Orleans.

Irritated beyond words, I call Aaron to give him a piece of mind, but he doesn't answer.
I mean, we aren't in high school anymore, why act your shoe size and not your age? I've talked to him twice she's called me, and that's been about 5 times already. Now I'm trying to protect him, but I might just let the inner negro come our and give her a piece of my mind.

Back home...again

I almost cried when I had to leave New Orleans, but atleast I do get to sleep in my own bed and see my babies (him and my dog). My trip turned out to be somewhat eventful, didn't go out as much as I had hoped because Rayanne had to study, XU isn't do their students any favors, especially those who are premed majors. I'm glad she was able to get out the house somewhat, I know she was wracking her brain studying for one class after another. Being there was kinda like the feeling you get when you first get home after a long day at work or school, and then having the freedom to just do whatever, chill. It's amazing how much I took for granted, never in a million years would I have thought this could happen to me.

But in other news, news that isn't so uplifting: A girl I worked with at The Grand named Jennifer died thursday night. At first when Chaz told me, I thought he was just starting rumors like he used to. Jennifer couldn't be dead, I mean after all, I had just talked to her 2 weeks ago. Strangely enough we both ended up in Denver, and ran into eachother at the Wal-Mart not far from my house last December. I called her phone 3 times yesterday, just to prove Chaz wrong. My phone started ringing about 9 last night, and whoa and behold, her name pops up on my called ID. However, it wasn't Jennifer, it was her dad. He had been going through her phone and called back people who were calling her, and it turns out that she had been hit by a car a week ago, and didn't make it and died. For awhile I was shocked, I mean, you know how real death is, and it can happen to anyone at anytime. Then the shock just turned to sadness. Jennifer was only 18, and so full of life. I found myself crying at 3 in the morning. I can't even imagine what her family is going through, I know I would probably go crazy if I lost one of my sisters. But then I realized, that she is a better place, and she wouldn't wanted us to be sad. Jennifer was such an exciting person, but she will be missed. So Jennifer this is for you...R.I.P.

Interesting Enough...

...that when people find out Quinn is in town, niggas start blowing her phone up. LOL don't be mad at me Britt...you know you're my nigga.I don't think I've ever felt this popular since...elementary school LOL. But it was nice to see Gian after so long, hasn't changed a bit :) and it was nice to see Malcolm...I have yet to see Aaron, or Britt, or Gerald but I plan on it tomorrow cuz they're already jumping up my butt to see me, more Britt than Aaron, it'll probably be a hi goodbye kinda thing since his GIRLFRIEND doesn't like me much. Well, this was just a tiny update, but Happy Mardi Gras to all...even to those who don't celebrate.

I'm Home

Public Service Annoucement: The Chocolate City Has Just Been Renamed to The Nigga City



Mind you, I've gotten use to living in White America. Rayanne suggested we go to Esplanade to go shopping, and in more or less words, to kill sometime before that night. So we go to the mall, and what I see was like a distant memory...BLACK PEOPLE EVERYWHERE! You have the classic ghetto hair-dos with the different colors that aren't hard to see across the mall, the teenagers just walking around like it's a Saturday night at The Grand, and the crying children running around bumping into people when actuality they need a leash because after awhile I ready to bend them over and whip them. Not complaining, because I'm home, and even if we black folks run these white people out of Metairie and Kenner and Jefferson, atleast I'm still home. I'm somewhat disappointed by the weather, but I knew it would be kinda crappy, and even if most services are limited for the time, I'm still home. I've yet to go out to the East, or Gentilly, or any area I've grown up in, I've steadily been transported back and forth between the Westbank by Malcolm and Destrehan by Rayanne, and Metairie in between all of that. We went to Friar Tuck's (a white club) last night because we couldn't go to Endymion. We had fun, lots of fun...the only thing I'm upset about is my shoes...I should have worn shitty ones :)
We're suppose to go to Bacchus/Endymion because it was postponed last night, and then to Dreams...and then to Bourbon where I can finally have a reason to get pissy drunk. Well maybe not pissy drunk, the last time that happened I ended up peeing in a parking lot outside of Hooters...not that I remember much but my friends verified that for me.

Wow...8 days between posts. I've been crazy busy, school is kicking my butt...again, and I've been working 5 days out the week. Being a hostess isn't cut & dry, it's actually a tough job, and some people may see it as just seating people and wishing them a happy meal lol. Honestly, it's a job that requires a lot of patience, and kindness that kills because believe me, if kindness could kill, The Olive Garden wouldn't have anymore customers. I thought people at The Grand were horrible-OH NO, there are just a lot of unpleasant people in this world. I thought about training as a waitress...but, they're short on staff and take advantage of the ones that are already there by making them work doubles. Maybe when I move back to New Orleans I'll train. Speaking of which, out of all the apartment complexs that I've been able to get in touch with, which is about 10, I've only been able to be put on 2 waiting list that have about 600 people in front of me. Not bad since the "list is moving kinda fast" according to the lady that works in the leasing office, so when we do leave we should already have a place available in Jefferson Parish. But aside from all of that, I've steadily been working on my relationship. For the past few months we've been going through a rough time, fighting about one thing and another, not being able to compromise on the simplest of things. And it wasn't until recently when I was able to just say hey, I love you, but this isn't working, something needs to change or I'm gone. But I'm so determined to make us work, I'm tired of changing boyfriends every new year, I want something stable, something permanent. We still have our moments where we may argue, but we're being more attentive to eachother and miscommunication so our little fights don't blow up into wars.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

I've counted down 124 days until we're able to "move" back...if I can even say move back, because my heart is already home. I just pray everything goes smoothly.

When It's Okay Not to Forgive

A friend of mine named Dedrick (seeeeee, you're mentioned now) and I have these pretty intense, intellectual conversations that sometimes turn into debates. Yesterday, we were talking about pedophiles having to register once they're released from prison. I don't know how we even began this conversation, but he feels that once you've done the time for your crime, all is said and forgiven. Since pedophiles have to register, they're constantly being followed by their history, unlike thieves and murderers, no one will know who they are except for when they apply for jobs. I on the other hand would prefer to know if a sex offender, murderer or a thief is living next door to me. Dedrick feels that people can change over time (and I'm sure being someone's bitch in prison will keep anyone from wanting to go back) - I agree with him whole heartedly. However! Pedophilia is almost like a disorder, they may get the urge to "fondle" a little boy later on...and if a recently released pedophile moves in next door to me, I would like to know, so I can get the hell out of that neighborhood. Sexual assault is a disgusting crime, and eventho the "pervert" is sorry in the long run, it doesn't make what he or she did alright. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh, but I've seen what child molestation has done to innocent kids. Robbing a kid of his/her innocent, violating them in any kind of way, is unforgivable. Yeah yeah, we're suppose to forgive and forget, but I think in certain situations, registering sex offenders is a step in a better society.

I don't know what's more interesting...

Seeing 3 rival schools come together(MAX), or the fact that my little sister from Freshman Initiation is one of the 7 drum majors from my Alma Mater. I like to go back and visit my school's site to see updates, and whoa and behold, Romere Jones, now a 17 year old senior will be one of the drum majors leading MAX in the Mardi Gras parades. It's been about a 3 years since I've seen her, she actually came to my graduation, which was really sweet of her.

I know the pix are kinda small...still brings back memories :)

Ignorance Isn't Always Bliss

I don't know about everyone else, but once people find out I'm from New Orleans, a string of questions usually follow:

1.Did you evacuate before?
2.Did your house flood?
3.Have you been back since?
4.Are you and your family split up?
5.Do you know anyone that died?

and etc.

Now, I believe it's important to know about current events whether it be local, state, national or worldly. No matter how exaggerated the media can get, atleast they're giving you information on things you OUGHT to know. So when a lady asked me if I "Evacuated before", I said yes. Do you know what the next thing she said was? "Ohhhh, you were one of the smart ones!" Now I just finished my research paper on Hurricane Katrina (and if you know my mom, she sent it to everyone in her address book, and it still receiving feedback on my paper...I guess it was pretty informative because I've also received a few lengthy emails). Most of the information is up to date and accurate, and some of the information I actually got was from people who had to endure riding out the storm and then having to sit on their roof for three days without food or water.
Now I had a choice, I could continue to let this woman think that those who did not evacuate were dumb and probably deserved their fate because of their own stupidity (said with complete sarcasm), or I could correct her and make her look like a fucking stupid republican (because obviously she was in the long run). I'm at work, so I have to keep my inner-negro in check.
"Some people didn't have a way out. In fact, 27% of the population in New Orleans do not own their own vehicle, which is an estimated 120,000 people when you do the math. And not only that , 38% of the population has one of the highest poverty rates in America. So you can take in account two reasons why people couldn't evacuate: because they didn't have the means to do so, and if they did, where would they go exactly if they didn't have the money?" Now if there was a look for stupid, it was written all over her face. "Well...I...I, what I meant was..."of course she couldn't get out what she meant because I had just walked away to seat a customer, so I guess I'll never know what she "meant" by one of the "smart ones".

A small update...

Today was my first day on the floor...and they threw me right in the middle of a lunch rush...it was ok though, not too bad. I have to get use to standing on my feet for hours at a time again. I can already see one person I might have a potential problem with, a know-it-all kinda girl. I don't know the ropes...yet, but I'm not dumb either. I really can't stand people who talk to you like you're stupid. I guess she figures a "southern girl" like myself doesn't know any better.

I got my ears pierced in the middle...I've been wanting to get my ears pierced again, but I'm terrified of needles, in fact, I prefer a tattoo in the worse place imaginable then to get my ears pierced. It was kinda funny, I was so scared, and of course you can leave it to my sisters to make fun of me when the lady who did the piercing gave me a teddy bear to hold. I almost cried like a baby...not quite-teared up just a little bit.

I might get chewed out about this eventually...

But when in need, make sure you have AAs as backup...

This is after all...

a girl's bestfriend

Being the new girl...

The one thing that sux about getting a new job for me is being the new girl. Sure, at The Grand, I was there for almost 3 years, so there was a sense of stability, but there, it's like walking down a hallway and everyone looking, pointing their fingers and whispering behind their hands. People ask questions of course because they want to get to know you, and then they become nosey. I have yet to tell anyone I'm from New Orleans, because I'm sure the questions would go from what's your major to wow, did you evacuate in time or were you a refugee? Yes, I've heard someone say refugee...and I'm sure once some idiot ask me about being a refugee I won't have the heart to tell them to f*ck off. It's actually kind of interesting though, either people are really that curious...or just that dumb when it comes to questions about Hurricane Katrina.
i.e.
Question:Did you lose your house?
My response: Nope, I'm in boring cold a$$ Colorado because I like the snow and inter-racial relationships.

...you get the idea...

Being sick really sux!

And not only am I sick, I'm losing my voice, something that I actually need for WORK. YES, it's true, I have a J O B. I just happened to wander into The Olive Garden, turn in an application to be a Hostess, and avoid 3 out of the 4 interviews that I needed to be hired. I've always been able to ace interviews like a test, but the actual work if it wasn't The Grand didn't get my complete 100%, but since I'm not at The Grand, I basically can't "afford" to mess up. So yes, I have training Monday at 4:00, Wednesday at 8:00, and Friday at 11:00. It's a fairly easy job it seems at $8.00 an hour. I'm not sure if tips are included, but hey, if they are, the more the merrier. Of course, I wouldn't need a job if I were staying in boring Colorado...but since I want to move the moving date to June of this year, we'll need a lot more money because of price gouging in New Orleans. He has been able to save $3,500 dollars in the past 2 months, and we're relying on FEMA to pay for our housing for the next 6 months atleast. Ok I shouldn't say relying, because FEMA might flip the switch on us, but hoping that they'll continue to pay for this apartment for the next 6 months. So if everything works out as planned, we'll be moving in June.

Pink rabbits...

are extremely convenient :)

Perspectives

In early August, trailer trash usually referred to poor white folks living in dwellings equipped with wheels.
In January, trailer trash refers to the people holding up the distribution of trailers or the politcally connected making a fortune in dealing in trailers.

My, how things change....

Daily Prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also help me to be carefull of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the a$$ I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work –

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

5% on Friday

And help me to remember when I’m having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to pissme off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me.

School has officially started...

and I can honestly say I hate my english class. I HATE ENGLISH! The class is so boring. Honestly, who needs research papers in accounting? I don't! Damned that teacher @ Dillard for making me take this class again. Now my sociology class is super cool, as well as my accounting class
(since that is my major). I have a yoga class tomorrow at nine...I skipped my Philosophy class this morning because of the snow. I swear to God I almost died on the road. I was turning into my complex and started sliding on the ice, I couldn't turn the wheel. He and I were suppose to go to Hooters, but that idea was squashed in a heart beat when my car started sliding. Speaking of my car, I might get a new one! I don't know what yet, but hopefully it'll be the VW Bug, those are so adorable :). I know this is a lot in such a small space, but I just needed to update real quick. Oh yeah, one more thing, he and I have decided to have an open relationship. Details on that later.

Don't you just hate...

people who leave, then just come back like it's ok that they left in the first place. Then have the audacity to just pretend that everything is ok. Honestly, the nerve of some people! What the hell is going on through your mind when you just decide to call me? Please, save yourself the embarrassment and don't contact me again. Period.

It's funny how some things work out...

So today was meant for much cleaning, and much needed lounging by my mom's house getting fat. I went and got my teeth cleaned for 9:30 (no cavaties!), dropped him off at work, and then went by my mom to just chill with my sisters. I get there, and before I can even sit down, Kenny starts saying how the community college let him register for classes today (I guess they never heard of a deadline). Not only did they let him register for classes, but they all paid for all his classes and the books and whatever supplies needed for those classes. Well, my mom immediately jumps at the idea of ME registering for school :\. Sure I need to get back into school, but at the moment, I'm in depresso mood and really don't have the energy to go back. But momma dearest wasn't hearing that. So she and I both registered for classes to start next Tuesday. On my way home I started kicking myself because I just bought a round trip ticket ($259, which isn't refundable) to New Orleans to visit Rayanne for the Mardi Gras holidays (a holiday only in New Orleans no less duh!). Sure, I'd only miss 3 classes, which is no big deal, I can easily make up the work and probably cry to the teacher that I needed to go back to New Orleans for this and that (I know I shouldn't milk it). It wouldn't be a lie completely, because while I'm down there I was going to look for a place to stay.

M.I.A.

No, not the singer. So I haven't blogged in a week or so. I've got bloggers block...or maybe it's bloggers depression or something. I've been thinking a lot about my current situation (and Rayanne's visit didn't help much either). I've realized over the course of the past few weeks how unhappy I am here. It's nothing compared to Houston, because I knew in the back of my mind Houston was temporary. I think I miss New Orleans more now than ever, because this move was permanent, and not being able to go home scares me. It's not like Houston, we were 350 miles away from New Orleans, not 1,200. I want to go back, and I want to go back now (of course patience is not one of my virtues, still working on that). I've talked it over with my mom, and of course I have her support, I have a feeling she's going to leave before the year is up anyway because she just received $18,000 from FEMA. He and I have talked about it; he doesn't want to go back. He wants me to try and give Colorado a chance (as if I haven't lived here for 11 years before). With or without him, I'm going back. I prefer that he comes with me, he said he would, but he is prone to changing his mind quicker than a bullet. Of course if he doesn't come, it will be the end of US, because neither one of us want a long distance relationship. It depresses me somewhat that he might change his mind, but I think that if I go back it will be good for me in the long run.

I didn't even realize my blog was a year old. Wow, amazing! I was able to committ to something other than a guy! But anyways. I'm still jobless, and it feels weird. I've been without a job for almost 5 months, it seems like one big vacation (because I'm receiving unemployment). I've been working since I was 16. I don't want to say jobs out here are scarce, because they aren't. But I'd hate to start from the bottom again. I had to put up with BS for 2½ years just to get the Head Supervisor job at The Grand. I also don't want to get a job out here in case I leave before the summer.