Update

The hubby and I have decided to try and work things out as best as we can, taking things day by day. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Uhhhh

Last night was the first night in months where I slept the whole night through, from 10 at night to 7 this morning (and I was able to do it without the help of Xanax). For the past couple of weeks my sleeping patterns have gone from bad to worst, staying up till 6 in the morning and not waking until 4 in the afternoon. I'm feeling so refreshed today I might take the dog to the park and let her chase the ducks...again.

So I'm Really Guilty...

I'm guilty for having a moment of weaknes and letting someone take advantage of that. I'm guilty of not realizing how fortunate I am. I'm guilty of just giving up and not trying to make the best of a bad situation. I have so much going for me and so much potential that I just lost sight of things for awhile, all because I hate being here. I was acting like an ornery(sp?) brat. I know that sounds kinda bad, but my bout of depression (something I've never suffered from before) is probably a result of me just reacting to myself, if that even makes sense. I realize I just need to get myself together, and I'll do whatever is necessary to be whole again.

I've been debating about whether or not I should blog about my relationship, or what's left of it. For the past few months, it feels like my relationship has run its course. It was so good in the beginning, and then after Katrina, we started to push eachother away. I don't know why. Lately I've been feeling disconnected from him, we barely talk, show affection, and let's not talk about sex, or lack there of. It's gotten so bad I've thought over and over whether I should move back in with my mom, which wouldn't make sense since we're moving back in June. We haven't slept in the same bedroom in months. I can't help but feel so hopeless about us, I'm so tired of trying to make us work and not getting anything back. We fight about every little thing, money, who took the dog out, who unloaded the dish washer. It doesn't help that I'm depressed either. It just feels like everything is going wrong at the right time. When we try "talking", it becomes "you this" and " you that". I don't know what to do anymore. I care about him so much, but I wonder if it's in vain sometimes. I swear, if we break up, I won't be with another guy for a very long time.

Young Girls

I think it's sad to say that my sister has become a conformist of Young Girls Impressionable Inc. I think it's kind of sad that young girls are starting to emulate TV personalities who do nothing but say "That's hot" or teen queens who are shrinking away before our eyes. It's come to my attention that my sister has an eating disorder. I've always known that she's be cautious of her weight, she's never been a small girl. But I didn't think she had an eating disorder. A few days ago, after I expressed to her bestfriend that my sister is very picky about her weight, she goes on to tell that Amber has thrown up her food before to lose weight. I'm not sure on how to approach the situation, I don't want to upset her because she's a moody teenager as it is. I could tell my mom but my mom is one of those people that if it's not an oil change the car needs, she won't know what to do if the car broke down. I could team up with Whitney, but I don't really trust anything Whitney says because most of the time her head in is the clouds and knows a lot about nothing. I know that's horrible to say about my sister, but, she's quite the airhead at times, which makes me think she would be perfect for the black Paris Hilton if the opportunity arose. Which leaves me. I guess I'll just have to set her off, cuz she's going to get pissed either way.

Like the new background? I do!

So my mom made if official, we're moving back into my house June, hopefully no later than July. The house has been gutted out for the past couple of months, and they finally knocked down all the walls and now they're ready for phase 3...whatever that is lol. I'll assume is the last part to the rebuilding process. My sister isn't exactly happy about leaving, she feels that the opportunity to graduate early is way better than moving back now. I'm like to hell with that shit! Nigga what's the difference between January and May? 4 months? Big fucking deal. I call is the Last Child Syndrome. She's been so used to getting her way all the time since Whitney and I've moved that she literally throws tantrums. (Like the tantrum she threw when my mom told her she couldn't get a kitten, but then, after hearing it like everyday my mom finally caved in, and now she has a new cat that Twinkie and my mom hates) Keep in mind, she will be 17 August. You can't tell her otherwise, like most of my family, she set in her ways and her stubborness won't let her see beyond graduating early that my mom and I are unhappy here. The only reason she wants to graduate early is so that she can have a 7 month break from school. How lazy is that! Wait till she hears she won't get her old room back, it'll be mine muahahahahaha!!!!

You know what makes me mad?

POSERS! Do not advertise a service if you aren't competent enough to perform it! Simple as that! I can go to any nail shop in New Orleans and get my eyebrows waxed for 5 dollars, be in and out after 5 minutes! Aveda! You can not arch eyebrows! John Frieda! You can not arch eyebrows! And then after you f*ck them up more than what the previous salon did before, do not attempt to charge me $15 for a sloppy job! Have I found a decent place to even get my hair done? NO! Because I'm in White America! White lady with the bad dye job, don't tell me how your grand children are half and half, and that you "do" their hair from time to time, and my hair is similiar to theirs! Guess what, it's not! Aveda! Do not treat a black person's hair unless you know how to do so! Don't try and take my money after you attempt to blow dry my already DRY HAIR BECAUSE OF THE DRY CLIMATE. Don't OOOOOH and AAAAAH over the crappy job you did on my hair, because guess what, I tip, but I won't tip YOU! Sorry, I'm venting because my eyebrows are crooked and I had to have my sister flat iron my hair (something I am deeply against) because I can't find a decent hair dresser...So yes, I look hooked up.

I'm not one to talk too much about how unhappy I've become, one thing I wouldn't do is ever admit to anyone that I'm "probably" clinically depressed. At first I thought it might've been a phase that I went through, but given the current situation, I'm not sure how long this phase is suppose to last. That unhappiness turned into anxienty, anxious about one thing and another...you know the feeling when you hold in anything and just can't let it out? Yeah, that feeling, just all the time. My last anxiety attack if you could even call it one was Saturday when I just didn't show up for work. A half hour before I was suppose to work I began to get the feeling that I would explode. I've been feeling that way for some time now, and it just so overwhelming that I just didn't even go in-something I would never do. Any job I've worked has always been a priority, show up on time, call in if I'm going to be late, make sure my uniform is clean and pressed. That's just the type of person I am. So something so uncharacteristic of me was a warning sign that something is defintely wrong...warning signs I've ignored too long might I add. I'm not sure where to go from here, I don't know if seeing a doctor would help any, or being put on anti-depressants will stop me from crying all the time. My mother has been put on antidepressants and it doesn't seem like it's doing any good. She calls me everyday just to tell me how depressed she is, how the days seem to drag on and she can't even get out of bed sometimes. I know what she's going through, because that's the way I feel. I'm not sure if anyone else can relate, but if so, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

The familiar sound of my phone wakens me out of a deep sleep. It feels as though it's 5 in the morning, but when I look at the clock, it's only 10. I push myself out the bed to see who's causing "Hollaback Girl" to be hollering so loudly. I swear I need to get a new ring tone. I look around for my phone, and realize it's sitting in the candy dish on the coffee table. I look down at the phone, and in little bright letters "AARON" stands out. This is unusual, we usally only talk on the weekends, not ten in the morning. I hestitate before answering, and when I do, he hangs up. When the screen clears, it says "4 MISSED CALLS, 1 UNKNOWN". I think it might be an emergency, and see he's called 3 times, and some 504-561-0500 number, a New Orleans downtown number. So I call him back, and he answers in a whispered tone.

Aaron-Yeah, Quinn, I think Amber has been trying to call you. If she does, don't answer the phone, she has a 408 number.
::Thinks to myself, aren't we a little old for this childish behavior?::
Quinn-Why would she be calling me? How did she get my number?
Aaron-I don't know how she got your number, but she's trying to figure out who you are. If she calls, don't answer the phone ok?
Quinn-Fine whatever, I'm going back to sleep.

I hang up, and climb back into my warm bed. I start to doze off again when all of a sudden...
"Cause I ain't not hollaback girl" just blasts in my ear. I start cursing myself for leaving the ringer on. There goes that damn 504-561-0500 number again. I answer the phone anyway, only because I'm half alseep and I know I can easily curse out whoever without really caring in my sloth state anyway.

Unknown Chick-Hi, is Melissa there?
Me-No, you have the wrong number
Unknown Chick- Oh, ok, well, may I ask who I'm speaking with?
This red flash starts going off. Downtown New Orleans number, it can't be anyone I know of that's there at the moment except for the current students at Dillard staying at the Hilton. Damn.
Me- Oh wait, I get it now, the scam. You call and ask for some random person, and when I say wrong number, you try and get me to say my name. Either you aren't that bright or you think I'm stupid.
I hang up. Of course, Amber knew I wouldn't answer some 408 number, so she called from a local number in New Orleans.

Irritated beyond words, I call Aaron to give him a piece of mind, but he doesn't answer.
I mean, we aren't in high school anymore, why act your shoe size and not your age? I've talked to him twice she's called me, and that's been about 5 times already. Now I'm trying to protect him, but I might just let the inner negro come our and give her a piece of my mind.

Back home...again

I almost cried when I had to leave New Orleans, but atleast I do get to sleep in my own bed and see my babies (him and my dog). My trip turned out to be somewhat eventful, didn't go out as much as I had hoped because Rayanne had to study, XU isn't do their students any favors, especially those who are premed majors. I'm glad she was able to get out the house somewhat, I know she was wracking her brain studying for one class after another. Being there was kinda like the feeling you get when you first get home after a long day at work or school, and then having the freedom to just do whatever, chill. It's amazing how much I took for granted, never in a million years would I have thought this could happen to me.

But in other news, news that isn't so uplifting: A girl I worked with at The Grand named Jennifer died thursday night. At first when Chaz told me, I thought he was just starting rumors like he used to. Jennifer couldn't be dead, I mean after all, I had just talked to her 2 weeks ago. Strangely enough we both ended up in Denver, and ran into eachother at the Wal-Mart not far from my house last December. I called her phone 3 times yesterday, just to prove Chaz wrong. My phone started ringing about 9 last night, and whoa and behold, her name pops up on my called ID. However, it wasn't Jennifer, it was her dad. He had been going through her phone and called back people who were calling her, and it turns out that she had been hit by a car a week ago, and didn't make it and died. For awhile I was shocked, I mean, you know how real death is, and it can happen to anyone at anytime. Then the shock just turned to sadness. Jennifer was only 18, and so full of life. I found myself crying at 3 in the morning. I can't even imagine what her family is going through, I know I would probably go crazy if I lost one of my sisters. But then I realized, that she is a better place, and she wouldn't wanted us to be sad. Jennifer was such an exciting person, but she will be missed. So Jennifer this is for you...R.I.P.