Refreshed

Last year around this time, I was focusing on my life and what I wanted out of it. I was making plans, setting goals and doing what I needed to achieve each and every single one. Now, when I wake up everyday and wash my face and brush my teeth, I look how far I've strayed from my original path. Since Katrina I've wandered around like a lost puppy, unsure what to do next. I felt like my life was on pause and God had the remote control that could press the play button anytime He wanted. I know in life our strengths are tested, see what we will sacrifice and what we will gain. I've lost many of things in my life, but never would I imagine losing my home and my way of life. I never thought I felt I would be stuck in one place. I think about what I've lost, what I've accomplished. And yet deep down when I thought I couldn't go on, I knew there was still hope to put the pieces of my life back together. It may take longer than what I want, my plans still delayed. And what I've realized is that life is about challenges and overcoming them. I now have a new respect for life. I find things I would have never thought to be important relevant to my future. I no longer take anything for granted because in an isntant it can be taken from you without warning.

If it happens once, shame on you, if it happens again, shame on me

I'm going through my phone and deleting people I don't talk to, and I come across a few people I haven't spoken to in so long. It's a wonder those numbers are still in my phone because I cut off all contact with them so long ago. Most people would probably consider me to be a bitch because I'm so nonchalant when it comes to just cutting people off. I don't do it to be mean, but once a person has crossed me in any kind of way, it's hard to gain my trust again. I don't have many female friends as is (and my number of male friends outweighs them greatly) because I find females to be petty and catty, and since I don't care to entertain either, I only have a few select girls that are like my sisters. Now guys are different. I'm cool with a lot of guys, unless we were romantically involved at one point then I put a distance between myself and them, simply because there's a boundary I won't cross. Dealing with an X is complicated, I mean, there's a reason why we aren't together now. But back to what I was saying. There's a reason why I don't hesitate to just stop talking to someone. I find people to be dishonest and truly disgusting sometimes, and when I say disgusting, I don't mean in a gross manner. Some people are capable of doing some shady things, and I want no part of that. I'm at an age where I'm tired of the bullshit and the games that come along with befriending a person, whether male or female. I'm tired of having to wonder if that person is toxic, if that person will try to manipulate and use me. I would love to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but, because of a few lessons I've learned in life, majority of the time people don't even deserve it. So trusting doesn't come easily, and if you lose my trust, gaining it back is damn near impossible.

The Quarter-Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start wondering where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it, and we are all in this together. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and help heal and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's hearts. We are the group who will always call on birthdays and laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. We are a group that talks trash about the same people we call to meet up with on a Friday night, but we are sorry about it and we know that they know that we were just being insecure like they have been. We are friends and in 10 years, when we have figured out where we fit in in this world, we will still be friends

So I thought I'd just update

So, in case y'all didn't know, I've found a place in New Orleans, and we're expected to move back by the end of the month. It's funny, I kept praying and praying, and the night before we got the place I just asked God to please let us get back home soon, and sure enough, things fell into place with a simple phone call to Brad (my new landlord). We'll be moving back to the east, I'm not complaining, it's home, I'm just a little nervous being in that area without majority of the residents. I'm not sure how the crime is looking in that area, but Brad said he would install a security system, and since my boyfriend will be gun training or doing whatever at the gun range there'll be a gun in the house. He said he would take me with him a few times a week when he goes to get his license, I'm not to thrilled about guns but hey, if it'll protect me from some ignorant ass nigga tryin to loot my shit, I'll shoot without a second thought. I also have a job interview when I get back, so HOPEFULLY I'll have a job in a matter of weeks because I am so broke, and I mean literally broke. I have a total of $600 and some change to my name (how sad is that!) But anyway, I'm about go back to eating sweets and junk food (PMS is a bitch).

And you're still talking to me why?

I think it's kinda sad that some "people" have to sneak around to talk to me because their significant other doesn't want them talking to me. It's rather silly when you're rushing off the phone because ol girl is coming into the room, or if she's calling and you tell me you'll call back in a few days when she isn't around. LOL so my question is why are you still talking to me? Or better yet, how SHE deletes my number out of YOUR phone and then you go back to save it under a boy's name, deletes my screen name and you create another just to talk to me. LOL I swear it's not that serious. I would think you would have more respect for your girl and just stop talking to me altogether, I'm sure OUR conversations AREN'T that interesting. I never did understand why guys would talk to insecure jealous girls in the first place, but it must be something about them and something about me to keep both of us around. But then again, it might just be the case of "Have your cake and eat it too" sydrome which is something most guys suffer from. I instead find myself avoiding phone calls and instant messages from certain people because I know they're only talking to me because girlfriends/wives aren't around and I assume our conversation is worth losing their relationship over. And I am not a homewrecker. Or maybe it's because they aren't man enough to tell those girlfriends/wives they have nothing to worry about so their insecurity is not necessary and it is ok to have just friends.

Vacation from Hell

So a family vacation is suppose to be fun and relaxing and all that good stuff. I would think a week long in Florida would ease my stress level and just give me time to forget about everything else that isn't going right. So not the case. You can always expect drama to follow us anywhere and everywhere...and it never ends. It could be possibly because there were 12 people total in the group, consisting of 3 different familes, 2 condos and even 3 rental cars. We had passes for all the parks all week, lovely restaraunts and shopping galore! But of course day 1 drama breaks out and as soon as we land I'm already wishing I was back in my own apartment not having to deal with my family and the other 2 families that came along with us. But I guess that's what you get when you have 12 people with 12 aggressive personalities that just seem to clash for no apparent reason. It was one thing after another every single day and I wish not go through the experience ever again. So I say once again I am so glad to be home.