Refreshed

Last year around this time, I was focusing on my life and what I wanted out of it. I was making plans, setting goals and doing what I needed to achieve each and every single one. Now, when I wake up everyday and wash my face and brush my teeth, I look how far I've strayed from my original path. Since Katrina I've wandered around like a lost puppy, unsure what to do next. I felt like my life was on pause and God had the remote control that could press the play button anytime He wanted. I know in life our strengths are tested, see what we will sacrifice and what we will gain. I've lost many of things in my life, but never would I imagine losing my home and my way of life. I never thought I felt I would be stuck in one place. I think about what I've lost, what I've accomplished. And yet deep down when I thought I couldn't go on, I knew there was still hope to put the pieces of my life back together. It may take longer than what I want, my plans still delayed. And what I've realized is that life is about challenges and overcoming them. I now have a new respect for life. I find things I would have never thought to be important relevant to my future. I no longer take anything for granted because in an isntant it can be taken from you without warning.

If it happens once, shame on you, if it happens again, shame on me

I'm going through my phone and deleting people I don't talk to, and I come across a few people I haven't spoken to in so long. It's a wonder those numbers are still in my phone because I cut off all contact with them so long ago. Most people would probably consider me to be a bitch because I'm so nonchalant when it comes to just cutting people off. I don't do it to be mean, but once a person has crossed me in any kind of way, it's hard to gain my trust again. I don't have many female friends as is (and my number of male friends outweighs them greatly) because I find females to be petty and catty, and since I don't care to entertain either, I only have a few select girls that are like my sisters. Now guys are different. I'm cool with a lot of guys, unless we were romantically involved at one point then I put a distance between myself and them, simply because there's a boundary I won't cross. Dealing with an X is complicated, I mean, there's a reason why we aren't together now. But back to what I was saying. There's a reason why I don't hesitate to just stop talking to someone. I find people to be dishonest and truly disgusting sometimes, and when I say disgusting, I don't mean in a gross manner. Some people are capable of doing some shady things, and I want no part of that. I'm at an age where I'm tired of the bullshit and the games that come along with befriending a person, whether male or female. I'm tired of having to wonder if that person is toxic, if that person will try to manipulate and use me. I would love to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but, because of a few lessons I've learned in life, majority of the time people don't even deserve it. So trusting doesn't come easily, and if you lose my trust, gaining it back is damn near impossible.

The Quarter-Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start wondering where you will be in a year or two, but then get hot and scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You wonder what in the hell is wrong with you. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it, and we are all in this together. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. We are making a lot of mistakes, but helping one another learn from them and reaching out to pull one another up. We are not the shiniest group of people, but we are very much a circle. We are there for one another and will listen and help heal and grow for the rest of our lives. We will piss one another off, but we will also heal one another's hearts. We are the group who will always call on birthdays and laugh at the end of a conversation that started with angry words. We are a group that talks trash about the same people we call to meet up with on a Friday night, but we are sorry about it and we know that they know that we were just being insecure like they have been. We are friends and in 10 years, when we have figured out where we fit in in this world, we will still be friends

So I thought I'd just update

So, in case y'all didn't know, I've found a place in New Orleans, and we're expected to move back by the end of the month. It's funny, I kept praying and praying, and the night before we got the place I just asked God to please let us get back home soon, and sure enough, things fell into place with a simple phone call to Brad (my new landlord). We'll be moving back to the east, I'm not complaining, it's home, I'm just a little nervous being in that area without majority of the residents. I'm not sure how the crime is looking in that area, but Brad said he would install a security system, and since my boyfriend will be gun training or doing whatever at the gun range there'll be a gun in the house. He said he would take me with him a few times a week when he goes to get his license, I'm not to thrilled about guns but hey, if it'll protect me from some ignorant ass nigga tryin to loot my shit, I'll shoot without a second thought. I also have a job interview when I get back, so HOPEFULLY I'll have a job in a matter of weeks because I am so broke, and I mean literally broke. I have a total of $600 and some change to my name (how sad is that!) But anyway, I'm about go back to eating sweets and junk food (PMS is a bitch).

And you're still talking to me why?

I think it's kinda sad that some "people" have to sneak around to talk to me because their significant other doesn't want them talking to me. It's rather silly when you're rushing off the phone because ol girl is coming into the room, or if she's calling and you tell me you'll call back in a few days when she isn't around. LOL so my question is why are you still talking to me? Or better yet, how SHE deletes my number out of YOUR phone and then you go back to save it under a boy's name, deletes my screen name and you create another just to talk to me. LOL I swear it's not that serious. I would think you would have more respect for your girl and just stop talking to me altogether, I'm sure OUR conversations AREN'T that interesting. I never did understand why guys would talk to insecure jealous girls in the first place, but it must be something about them and something about me to keep both of us around. But then again, it might just be the case of "Have your cake and eat it too" sydrome which is something most guys suffer from. I instead find myself avoiding phone calls and instant messages from certain people because I know they're only talking to me because girlfriends/wives aren't around and I assume our conversation is worth losing their relationship over. And I am not a homewrecker. Or maybe it's because they aren't man enough to tell those girlfriends/wives they have nothing to worry about so their insecurity is not necessary and it is ok to have just friends.

Vacation from Hell

So a family vacation is suppose to be fun and relaxing and all that good stuff. I would think a week long in Florida would ease my stress level and just give me time to forget about everything else that isn't going right. So not the case. You can always expect drama to follow us anywhere and everywhere...and it never ends. It could be possibly because there were 12 people total in the group, consisting of 3 different familes, 2 condos and even 3 rental cars. We had passes for all the parks all week, lovely restaraunts and shopping galore! But of course day 1 drama breaks out and as soon as we land I'm already wishing I was back in my own apartment not having to deal with my family and the other 2 families that came along with us. But I guess that's what you get when you have 12 people with 12 aggressive personalities that just seem to clash for no apparent reason. It was one thing after another every single day and I wish not go through the experience ever again. So I say once again I am so glad to be home.

I leave for Florida in less than 4 hours and I have yet to go to sleep. I'm not really tired, and I know the flight will be long as hell, so I plan on sleeping on the flight. I decided to pamper myself and actually get my eyebrows waxed (Lord knew I needed it). I brought along a picture so she could have an idea of what I wanted. They came out nice, a little thicker than what I'm use to, but atleast it ain't all crooked and lopsided when the last 3 girls did it. As fas as the apartment search...it's still going on. I'm quited disappointed with the first apartment, and has set precedent for the rest because of those outrageous application fees (I've already spent $105 and was denied...) Money does not grow on trees so I have to be very careful about the places I apply for, otherwise the little money I do have let won't cover the damn deposit. My aunt said she would help...but, I hate to rely on anyone to do anything for me, just the way I am I guess. Gerald told me about this place he worked on, and said he would get the contact information for me, so hopefully he'll come through with that. I'm so anxious to be home right now it's not even funny. I think when I come back from Florida it'll sink in that I won't be going back to New Orleans soon after liked planned. My mom of course is trying to talk me out of leaving (she doesn't want me out there by myself without her) and instead is driving me to want to leave more. I don't know if this place is growing on her, but each and every day I go outside I grow to hate it even more. It's almost sickening to a point. So I stay in the house all day except to take the dog out. Oh yeah, to reply to LB, I know exactly how you feel about the results, I got a pap smear Aug. 26th, 2005 and never got my results back either. I'm not sure what the procedure was then for your biospy, but my doc numbed me a lil bit so it didn't hurt as much, but don't put something like that off especially if you've waited almost a whole year...hopefully everything is ok and intact, I know it's not the most comfortable experience but when all is said and done, atleast you get to put it off for another 3 months...

So I've been denied twice...for the same apartment(My mom was denied first, then the Property manager said I was approved but needed someone else's income). At first, I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt, but when Donald was denied because he has "unfavorable" credit", my first thought are these mother fuckers are racist (He damn near has better credit than I do). Sure, this is my first real apartment, and I may have been a little naive...but, I'm not stupid. My thing is that the city is dead, there aren't many people and you would think they would want the city to thrive again like it was. So how do you make it so difficult to come back by gouging on the rent or having such strict rules that only few (and literally few) can apply. I'll tell you why...because they don't want New Orleans to become The Chocolate City, they want New Orleans to become White Haven. And it pisses me off. Why didn't New Orleans do what Florida did after they were hit time and time again by hurricanes by passing laws forbidding people to go up on the rent? I voted for Nagin so hopefully he doesn't disappoint...again. He needs to put an end to the gouging and try and find a way for the citizens scattered across the U.S. to come back, and I don't just mean that damn buy out plan; not everyone in New Orleans are homeowners. So what is a girl to do? Hopefully I won't be spending my summer out here...but if I need to, then I'll just have to suck it up and be a man about it.


Oh yeah, the biospy wasn't as bad as I thought, but it left me feeling extremely violated and crampy, eventho I had already taken a vicodin earlier that day. So yeah Miss LB, you are a bigger man than me because I still cried like a baby LOL

So I'm not sure is worse...having a biospy done, or having a giant pimple on your face the day of your wedding...I'm going to go with the biospy because that's what I have to have done. My annual pap results came back abnormal...STD results came back normal. So what could it be possibly? Hell if I know, I dropped pre-med after a year and if I had continued it, gynecology would have not been my field. I'm semi-nervous to say the least, my doctor says first they'll look at my cervix through a microscope, and after that, if they find any "abnormal" cells, then they'll do the biospy, so I am praying that I don't have to have that done because I heard it hurts...as would any scraping or snipping of something that you can barely get to yourself. But enough of about that. I'm going to bed so I won't feel half as nauseated as I will feel in the morning.

So as you may all know, my trip to N.O. was last week, and as I've stated before, that trip would determine whether or not my mom would be moving back this summer. Well, after much consideration and thought *or lack there of* she has decided to not move back this summer, but she will HELP ME move back. I had already decided before we came that if she wasn't coming back, I would without her. I've gotten tired of the indecisiveness, the up and down of the situation...staying here, going back, what to do what to do. It drove me everyday that she would change her mind about what she wanted to do, telling me one thing and then another. So instead of getting my hopes up based on her decision, I said fuck it, I'll move back without my family, there's no way in hell I'll make it out here for the summer. So I put in an application for this apartment by Xavier and I'm waiting to be approved. It's not bad for the price they want, I'm just worried about living in the ghetto, but hey, beggers can't be choosers. Amazingly, the 9 day seperation before the hubby and I has actually brought us closer. I missed him so much when I was away and I couldn't wait to go home and be with him. Corny, I know. But I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder. He actually cleaned up before I got home (and if you know my boyfriend, that's a very sweet gesture because he never cleans up on his own!). But it's late, and I'm sleepy, so maybe I'll update a little later with details of my trip home.